Returning back to work- Will I still feel the same?

A few weeks ago, I was informed by the middle management of my upcoming ward posting. Sad to say, it isn't 43, the place I was born in... I can't sleep and my brain is flashing all the memories I had in Ward 43. Urgh brain, can you just let me sleep? :(

Ok why not pen it down since I have difficultly falling asleep. Heee. I guess 43 isn't the same anymore. Management has changed so, so much since I left. Well, I guess I can never ever, ever forget my very first manager. To me, she was the most perfect person I've known. I remember as a new staff, she always encouraged me whenever I felt I didn't do well at work. She takes time to check on my patients and make sure that I do everything well and ok. She would tell me where to improve on. She realised my potential and made the best out of me. My status in the hospital and the good reputation I have is all contributed by her efforts. I broke down in front of her so many times and she never fail to counsel me and even offer my day offs when I feel down. We had many happy times... and arguments. I miss her so much :(

I definitely miss the ward. The colleagues, the kind of patients and so on... I really feel home in that place. From a noob to one of the more senior staff. Ok I'm not THAT senior. But... Maybe just taking ownership of my home. Patients I have served and loved died there and so forth. Such beautiful memories will stay in my heart. I remember I left on an angry note. But... I've learnt to accept certain things and embrace the good.

Well I guess switching wards is just one of the journey I have to go through to build up my career... I still wonder what lies ahead. On the bright side, I still get to handle cancer patients? Yet at the same time I'm scared. I'm scared I cannot perform well. With my stupid brain :(

Nevertheless this is God's path for me. I will still love to achieve my ultimate dream of running a hospice/nursing home.

I believe that this course has changed me in so many ways... I can't spell it out exactly but I know inside me, something has changed. I already cannot wait to go back to work! Then again, so many initiations and projects coming up! I hope I can handle it. With my abilities, I hope I can prove my worth!

But first, let me achieve my first class heh. Honestly, I really didn't bother about achieving first class and would settle for a second upper. But my lecture told me that I already have the marks. So why not? Erm ok. I hope my dissertation will get good marks.

Last lap. CHIONG AH!

Thanking God

For the past 2 months, I have been doing up my dissertation. Though, I'm a little disappointed with my process :( I'm slow. I have 5 weeks more to complete it but I'm less than halfway. Hmmm, let's hope I can take off exponentially from here... I have been pretty honest with myself I must say. Hehehe. Maybe the stress is not kicking in so much because I just need to get 62 marks for my dissertation to graduate with a first-class honours.

But still I really thank God that I did well for my year 2 modules. Who would have thought.... Getting 3 first-class results and 1 second upper-class results! What's more, the assignment period involved H coming and me visiting H. Hehehee. Maybe he was my motivation to do well!!~

I'm gonna see him in another 5 weeks... This time away from him has been the worst. I do have to admit that we drifted away to a certain extend. Maybe I don't understand him well enough. Maybe we just have different views on this relationship thing. Honestly speaking, I would have ended all these if I did not buy my plane tickets so early. Well, maybe it's fate... Fate that I still get to see him once again. Every time I see him and depart from him, I really wonder when would be the next time I could see him :( I'm looking forward though, because we will be going to Titisee with Malcolm! Doing it especially for him! I hope he will enjoy!

Despite all the shit that's happening, I really feel happy when I'm physically with him. It's something so complexed. In June, it will be 1 year since we first met... Wow... Time flies.

Okay, I probably have to stop day dreaming at this point. Hehe. Let me concentrate on my dissertation and aim to do well!!!

I thank God for everything in my life!

Reflecting 2016

Oopsy. I have been too pre-occupied with other social media platforms and assignments and stuff to update here. Well, since I took a fantastic nap earlier on just now in the afternoon and can't sleep, I shall take this time to update this beautiful blog.

2016 has been a memorable year for me, 1 million hands down. Well, let me list down events worth remembering. Heee.

1) I finally volunteered in a hospice

Okay, though I have to blame myself as I have not volunteered since I left for Manchester. But it was nice knowing more people (and patients) and just simply devoting my time to help people in need :) Okay after this CNY break I better contact the volunteer manager and let him know that I am back. I must/will volunteer all the way before I resume work!

2) I did start up my cancer orientation programme

Though recruiting patients is the most challenging thing ever! Decided to put it on hold until I return to the work. Sigh, it's so political lah. At the same time as a leader, I can't rely on people right? God give me the courage and wisdom to manage things well...

3) Ignited passion on palliative care

Ok I admit I cheated hahaha. I referred to my previous blog post to learn that there was so much I wanna do as a oncology nurse when I go back to work. We will see about that though... I really do miss the various relationship I have established with my patients. I can't wait to be understanding and patient as well too heee. Oh yeah. An uncle of mine was recently diagnosed with cancer :( Well, I really cannot tolerate the behaviour or other relatives and even my parents of being too paranoid and getting worked up over things that cannot be changed. For example, he vomited 30mls of blood and my mom asked me if his time was up. First of all, I don't think the blood they meant was fresh red blood and 30mls is similar to a medicine cup and vomiting blood-stained stuff isn't going to make you die. Then he has Ca Colon which I am not surprised how messed up his GIT can be. Also, they have been asking for blood results which might not mean anything at all. I do admit that I was a little disappointed when they did not want to go to a hospice :/ In fact, they are still doing scans for him for God-knows-what. Hello, symptomatic care should be the priority now right? Anyway I've observed and noticed that my relatives can be really horrible patients. But you know what? I am up to it! When I go back, I want to handle all the horrible patients and relatives! Ok, I shall now switch back to the role of a relative instead of a nurse... Heh.

4) I had amazing holidays

Such as Hong Kong, Brisbane, KL, UK, Bangkok and Birmingham! I don't think I have travelled that much km within a year!

5) I found someone amazing

Reality stinks at times. The day I decided to commit to this was the day I was ready to face all sorts of consequences. But I choose to remember to happy moments that we shared. And I do feel happy. Even though we're miles apart and in reality he might not give so much damn about me, I feel good to assume that I am loved. I used to long for love. Now I don't even if it's over between us. Ok, it's a very contradicting and confusing feeling to express. Go figure out yourself :P

6) Got meself 12 demerit points

SHOOT!! I HATE MYSELF!

So Maria... What do you look forward in 2017?

1) My brother getting married :P

I'm so happy he found someone. A companion who can tahan his messiness and everything.

2) The journey between me and H to continue on... 

3) Buy the most expensive thing in my life (yay! done!)

4) Be a super duper awesome employee and nurse :) I need promotion and moneyyyyy

5) Loose more weight. I hope. I got the real motivation now :P

6) Oh man how on earth can I forget this!- Get at least a 2nd upper for my honours :)

Ok, I hope I will blog more too and post some photos at least :D Till next time!