I ought to post something

I ought to post something :/

Thoughts of an ordinary nurse

"Before her family came, I could mourn and even whine a bit to her on her death. But when her family arrived, I had to put up an act and pretend that her death did not affect me a single bit."

"We are all trying to work here. We are professionals. So, who are you to doubt our skills?"

"Sorry for missing out the IV medications. I really did not mean to :/"

"I tried my best to listen to your cries. But sigh... I guess I am really not so good in talking. But I do hope you do feel my concern and support by being by your side..."

"Today was a tough shift, but I know I will miss these little moments when I go to school."

"From this shift, how can I improve to be a better nurse?"

Things Change

Today, I reached my breaking point. I had it. I had enough of all these nonsense. I know I was emotional, but having the thoughts of breaking my bond, withdrawing from my uni, resigning, hoping that I will just get into a road accident proved that I could no longer take it anymore.

Where is my love for work? I still remember, being happy. Happy to be involved in hospital related events, enthusiastic about international audits, wanting to help the hospital and uphold the name. Always being the first few staff to come to work. Staying back to help or run some errands. I didn't mind doing all these then. I was happy.

I was reading my previous blog entries years back... All I wanted to do was to improve myself so much and love my patients. But my current situation does not seem to allow me to do so. I feel horrible. I dread work now. Hate to see the people who knows how to talk but does not do any action.

What makes things worse is that you can act as if nothing happened. I really applaud your excellent drama skills. After so much that we have gone through together, you can just shake me off and treat me as if we are strangers, or simply just normal colleagues. I feel disgusted with that behaviour. I really do. It's like all the we've been through together does not matter anymore. The long talks we had, the little favours I helped you with, the times where I would just sit at your place and stare at the TV to be with you at the lowest point of your life. Nothing... They all mean nothing now.

I don't know what will go on from here... I remember telling myself, to love you unconditionally. No matter what. But I didn't mean it this way. It's like I rather you give me lousy grades for appraisal but still treat me as someone you love.

I hate you. I despise you.

Miserable

That is what I am feeling right now...

It's so true, that the person you love so much affects you the most. What have I done wrong? You had hurt me, but why does it feel that I am the one hurting you?

I remember 2 months ago, I was so afraid of losing you. All I wanted to do was to be by your side, and go through the tough times with you. Which I did. And now, the thought of you makes me feel miserable.

Sometimes, I feel that I am being "used". You don't care how I feel about you and you seem to approach me only when you require help from me. But I promised to love you unconditionally. I am not asking for much. I just want you talk to me.

That's all.

I'm back, again

Last last Sunday was my dear friends' Roy and Elicia's engagement day :) Congrats guys!!

Was asked to help out in video recording. Hehehe. Love this shot of me doing it :P

After a year, I had my advanced diploma graduation ceremony! Presenting a lovely shot with my mother! My main pillar of support!!

With the elite kids. I could not have done as well without their help and pressure. Hehehe...

The whole performance team with the NYP staff! Woohoo!! This makes me so proud to be in NYP! Really an energy and dynamics that you can never experience elsewhere!!

As usual, I tried on the dancer's costume. Hehehe I could fit into it! :D Had so much fun hehe...

This is over but I have an upcoming one! I CAN'T WAIT!!! Long time no do musical hehehehe... Wait for it, wait for it!!!

Are you doing it right? Am I doing it right?

Something has been bothering me real bad today... I came to realise that you are coming up with ridiculous changes that with one look, I don't see it worth doing.

Once again, I would like to establish that I am not a lazy person (though I say it sometimes, hehe). But this "principle" has been with me since I started work at 17. If the results of doing a certain thing is not worth my effort, then I would rather not do it at all. That simple. The management probably won't understand what we ground staff are going through. I already find it a struggle to keep up with my current work and things that I am assigned to do. Why am I doing more unnecessary work?!

I know, my decision or my opinion does not matter at all, because I am simply a staff nurse. But let this be a reminder to me in the future when I ever become a leader or play a management role. I have often been told that I am a person who is quite resistant to change. But I would rather say that, I don't like other people's idea of that "change". I am not being won over. It is like how my ideas are usually rejected at times. Does that mean the person who rejected my idea is not keen for change?

When I first started out Nursing, I always wanted to have that connection with patients. Am I having that now? What has changed? Can things be like what they used to be like?

I am going to pursue my degree in 4 months' time. Can I still make a positive change in my workplace? Will things become like what they used to be like(in a good way)?

God, help me once again. I need wisdom. I need more of You.

TGIF and for my leave!

Phew! Everyday the past one and a half week, I have been waking up at 5am for work and reaching home at 11pm after rehearsal. Finally, my leave is here but it seems that my schedule is even more hectic! Heh... Anyway, Day 1 of graduation is done!!! And boy oh boy! It was a really hectic day!

Had the honour to sing for the first session of NYP graduation 2015. Hehehe. I don't know if I didn't not perform for too long(especially the "formal" shows) but I felt so freaking nervous! Heheh. But all was good when we were on stage!!! One down! 2 more to go!!!

Love this new setting in T-junction! The thing I love about performing- Looking good. Hehehe....

Team B with the dancers~

My favourite dancer of course!! Feeling so happy for her as she is going to New York to pursue her dreams!!! Wow...

So at night JDC had a very special show... It was a surprise wedding flashmob! The photo without Ter :((

So here's one with him!! Hahahah! Oh my! It has been so long since I have been with him. Probably almost 5 years already! Wow!

Ta-dah!! I call it the wedding of the decade because everything looked so grand and awesome! This wedding felt so much like an event(hehe). The couple even hired local entertainers to sing for the wedding! COOL!!!

More to come babeh! Let the tiredness begin!!!