Hello, June

It has been a year since...
1) We said our goodbyes
2) I finished up my stressful dissertation
3) I embarked my work life after being on hiatus for 20 months

Speaking of being on hiatus, I AM SO DAMN SORRY for missing for soooooo long :( I guess I was too caught up on work and other social media platforms. Gosh. I really feel I'm wasting my time scrolling through fb and ig at times. But then, I just can't help it. Hope someway somehow I can kick the habit.

I remember I used to think about my thoughts, blog it down, post nice photos on my blog for Malcolm to read hahaha. Read a book even, create music and do way many more things. Now, I just spend my off days sleeping and watching tv -_- Well, I wanted to do some exercise today actually or even go out but I have work work work to do at home zzzzz.

Anyway, since I've been back at work, a part of my potential has been maximised. And also, I have been abused and "bullied" by several individuals at work. Like bosses just not liking me and people using my work to claim credit for themselves. Disgusting! I'm glad I've been genuine friendships beforehand. Hope they can watch out for me to a certain extent. But anyways, HECK MAN. They wanna have fame and glory let them have it. I'm not exactly very interested anyway. I just wanna go back to 43 and look at my onco patients and do well in my work.

Oh just wanted to mention that since I came back to work, I felt that I have been very angry and negative in work and maybe even in everything. Then, since Feb 2018, I have been through SFTH3, We Care Programme, SLP and chruch retreat. Different contents but all felt the same- to make me happy and find my purpose once again. So I guess the first half of 2018 is like a rejuvenating period for me, to gear up for the rest of my life! :) I'm not really sure what is in stored but here I go!~

Hope I will come back to blog more often!

Good Bye 2017, Hello 2018

Gosh, once again it has been AGES since I blogged. I guess through time blogging isn't really part of my life style anymore. But I need to! So that I can look back at my life!! Heh... The new year is here... Let's have a review of significant events in 2017.

1) I attained first class honours for my degree course!

I really didn't expect to attain a first class honours as I knew that my level of intelligence was not of THAT level. But I guess God is good and faithful always. He has granted me wisdom and favour. Though I can't see any fruits now (because no one gives no shit that I got first class), I'm sure someway, somehow it will be noticed. Most importantly, I have learnt the MOST out of my course.

Though, after coming back to work I feel tired. Thus, I have not been so productive in my academic work. Heh... Maria Boey, please buck up in 2018 :)

2) I went through my first break up

It was a pretty complicated relationship to begin with. Like, the break up wasn't abrupt but gradual. When we bade goodbye for the last time, I still thought I will see him. But I guess that was the last time I will see him in forever. I believe time will heal and I will move on. Still, I know that things happen for a reason. During my next life perhaps? I hope I still can meet with him...

3) Returned back to work- and in another ward

Felt like I had to start all over again in terms of building relationships with my colleagues. And I am happy to say that I'm doing well so far :) Still, I don't really like the nature of the patients. Recently, I had a handful of oncology patients and I felt so happy to nurse them :) There were 1 million things to settle for them but I was willing to do everything! I'm still in the midst of trying to find back my passion. Well, if I can't, I think I would really need to ask for a transfer...

I also had a really wonder Public Forum. I am thankful for the experience gained. Though, I know now that I have issues working with certain people and all that. But guess what, I AM AWESOME AND I SUCCESSFULLY ORGANISED THIS FORUM! Will definitely have to credit friends and colleagues who helped me so much along the way :)

4) I bought my biggest purchase yet :)

TOP is in August 2020. I can't wait!!

Okay.. My resolutions and wishes for 2018...

1) Get my freaking COPE running successfully- it's a tough nut esp when the ward is busy 99% of the time :(

2) Get my academic stuff done! Posters, articles, presentations!!! Argh!!

3) To be genuinely happy at work

4) Move on and find my happiness

5) Lose weight (this is by default hehe)

6) Have a singing recital in Nov/Dec. I'm still in the thinking/planning phase... Hope it happens!!

7) Malcolm's wedding perhaps?

8) Write more songs and be more musically inclined.. But with the work I have, I don't know how much I can do. But I'll try!! :)

9) Possibly change my bike... I'm currently looking at this!

 IT'S SO NICE RIGHTTTTTT.

Returning back to work- Will I still feel the same?

A few weeks ago, I was informed by the middle management of my upcoming ward posting. Sad to say, it isn't 43, the place I was born in... I can't sleep and my brain is flashing all the memories I had in Ward 43. Urgh brain, can you just let me sleep? :(

Ok why not pen it down since I have difficultly falling asleep. Heee. I guess 43 isn't the same anymore. Management has changed so, so much since I left. Well, I guess I can never ever, ever forget my very first manager. To me, she was the most perfect person I've known. I remember as a new staff, she always encouraged me whenever I felt I didn't do well at work. She takes time to check on my patients and make sure that I do everything well and ok. She would tell me where to improve on. She realised my potential and made the best out of me. My status in the hospital and the good reputation I have is all contributed by her efforts. I broke down in front of her so many times and she never fail to counsel me and even offer my day offs when I feel down. We had many happy times... and arguments. I miss her so much :(

I definitely miss the ward. The colleagues, the kind of patients and so on... I really feel home in that place. From a noob to one of the more senior staff. Ok I'm not THAT senior. But... Maybe just taking ownership of my home. Patients I have served and loved died there and so forth. Such beautiful memories will stay in my heart. I remember I left on an angry note. But... I've learnt to accept certain things and embrace the good.

Well I guess switching wards is just one of the journey I have to go through to build up my career... I still wonder what lies ahead. On the bright side, I still get to handle cancer patients? Yet at the same time I'm scared. I'm scared I cannot perform well. With my stupid brain :(

Nevertheless this is God's path for me. I will still love to achieve my ultimate dream of running a hospice/nursing home.

I believe that this course has changed me in so many ways... I can't spell it out exactly but I know inside me, something has changed. I already cannot wait to go back to work! Then again, so many initiations and projects coming up! I hope I can handle it. With my abilities, I hope I can prove my worth!

But first, let me achieve my first class heh. Honestly, I really didn't bother about achieving first class and would settle for a second upper. But my lecture told me that I already have the marks. So why not? Erm ok. I hope my dissertation will get good marks.

Last lap. CHIONG AH!

Thanking God

For the past 2 months, I have been doing up my dissertation. Though, I'm a little disappointed with my process :( I'm slow. I have 5 weeks more to complete it but I'm less than halfway. Hmmm, let's hope I can take off exponentially from here... I have been pretty honest with myself I must say. Hehehe. Maybe the stress is not kicking in so much because I just need to get 62 marks for my dissertation to graduate with a first-class honours.

But still I really thank God that I did well for my year 2 modules. Who would have thought.... Getting 3 first-class results and 1 second upper-class results! What's more, the assignment period involved H coming and me visiting H. Hehehee. Maybe he was my motivation to do well!!~

I'm gonna see him in another 5 weeks... This time away from him has been the worst. I do have to admit that we drifted away to a certain extend. Maybe I don't understand him well enough. Maybe we just have different views on this relationship thing. Honestly speaking, I would have ended all these if I did not buy my plane tickets so early. Well, maybe it's fate... Fate that I still get to see him once again. Every time I see him and depart from him, I really wonder when would be the next time I could see him :( I'm looking forward though, because we will be going to Titisee with Malcolm! Doing it especially for him! I hope he will enjoy!

Despite all the shit that's happening, I really feel happy when I'm physically with him. It's something so complexed. In June, it will be 1 year since we first met... Wow... Time flies.

Okay, I probably have to stop day dreaming at this point. Hehe. Let me concentrate on my dissertation and aim to do well!!!

I thank God for everything in my life!

Reflecting 2016

Oopsy. I have been too pre-occupied with other social media platforms and assignments and stuff to update here. Well, since I took a fantastic nap earlier on just now in the afternoon and can't sleep, I shall take this time to update this beautiful blog.

2016 has been a memorable year for me, 1 million hands down. Well, let me list down events worth remembering. Heee.

1) I finally volunteered in a hospice

Okay, though I have to blame myself as I have not volunteered since I left for Manchester. But it was nice knowing more people (and patients) and just simply devoting my time to help people in need :) Okay after this CNY break I better contact the volunteer manager and let him know that I am back. I must/will volunteer all the way before I resume work!

2) I did start up my cancer orientation programme

Though recruiting patients is the most challenging thing ever! Decided to put it on hold until I return to the work. Sigh, it's so political lah. At the same time as a leader, I can't rely on people right? God give me the courage and wisdom to manage things well...

3) Ignited passion on palliative care

Ok I admit I cheated hahaha. I referred to my previous blog post to learn that there was so much I wanna do as a oncology nurse when I go back to work. We will see about that though... I really do miss the various relationship I have established with my patients. I can't wait to be understanding and patient as well too heee. Oh yeah. An uncle of mine was recently diagnosed with cancer :( Well, I really cannot tolerate the behaviour or other relatives and even my parents of being too paranoid and getting worked up over things that cannot be changed. For example, he vomited 30mls of blood and my mom asked me if his time was up. First of all, I don't think the blood they meant was fresh red blood and 30mls is similar to a medicine cup and vomiting blood-stained stuff isn't going to make you die. Then he has Ca Colon which I am not surprised how messed up his GIT can be. Also, they have been asking for blood results which might not mean anything at all. I do admit that I was a little disappointed when they did not want to go to a hospice :/ In fact, they are still doing scans for him for God-knows-what. Hello, symptomatic care should be the priority now right? Anyway I've observed and noticed that my relatives can be really horrible patients. But you know what? I am up to it! When I go back, I want to handle all the horrible patients and relatives! Ok, I shall now switch back to the role of a relative instead of a nurse... Heh.

4) I had amazing holidays

Such as Hong Kong, Brisbane, KL, UK, Bangkok and Birmingham! I don't think I have travelled that much km within a year!

5) I found someone amazing

Reality stinks at times. The day I decided to commit to this was the day I was ready to face all sorts of consequences. But I choose to remember to happy moments that we shared. And I do feel happy. Even though we're miles apart and in reality he might not give so much damn about me, I feel good to assume that I am loved. I used to long for love. Now I don't even if it's over between us. Ok, it's a very contradicting and confusing feeling to express. Go figure out yourself :P

6) Got meself 12 demerit points

SHOOT!! I HATE MYSELF!

So Maria... What do you look forward in 2017?

1) My brother getting married :P

I'm so happy he found someone. A companion who can tahan his messiness and everything.

2) The journey between me and H to continue on... 

3) Buy the most expensive thing in my life (yay! done!)

4) Be a super duper awesome employee and nurse :) I need promotion and moneyyyyy

5) Loose more weight. I hope. I got the real motivation now :P

6) Oh man how on earth can I forget this!- Get at least a 2nd upper for my honours :)

Ok, I hope I will blog more too and post some photos at least :D Till next time!

2016 is worth remembering

Everything that I have dreamed of came true. He came to Singapore, and in December I'm going over. Will be spending Christmas and New Year's over there. I'm excited because for the first time I get to experience a true winter Christmas. Not sure if I'll freeze to death though. Hehehe.

During this year's new year, I remember having a resolution to forget him. And I did it with so much ease. And now, I have someone who genuinely loves me for who I am. He makes me secure of myself, he embraces my looks and my talents and he makes me understand the world better. But the distance is making it 1 million times more difficult that what normal people would experience :( Nevertheless, I'm grateful for all that has happened. Come to think of it, it has been 5 months since we first met! I sincerely hope that we will have many years together. I really do.

I'm not sure what next year or our future will bring. But I want him and myself to be happy. I hope we can achieve that throughout our lives.

At the meantime, I'm hoping to experience some sort of white Christmas! HEEE!

Burning Stronger

I've been back at my ward the past week and it has been a crazy power house so far. To be honest, so many things changed. The management, the practice, the staff and the vibes in the ward. But that did not stop me from loving my patients and treating them with utmost care and concern. I wish there were duplicates of me to care for every single one of them everyday.

I may not be the best nurse in town. But I thought that all you need is to attend to the patient's needs with all your heart. The rest is secondary. Your nursing care is judged based on how you provide care for your patients. And not how well you speak when handing over your patient or successfully ticking all frivolous checklists in the case notes.

In theory, a good leader develops her staff to be good. She does not selfishly aspire herself to be good and make the others look bad. This is my dream. I hope to successfully create this change in the ward. Today, I simply brought a cantonese po po to the toilet and we hit off really well that she was smiling from ear to ear and said goodbye to me as I left the ward. I don't want to be the special nurse. I want everyone to be like that.

I guess this course impacted me in someway. My thinking is challenged. I think the bigger picture rather than just focusing on how to improve on myself. I just hope that I will have the confidence and tenacity in the next few years. I will. Because my precious patients are my support. Looking at them wants me to provide better nursing care for them.

I will make 43 live up to its reputation once again. I will.