A Milestone :)

After being officially together for 20 months, he finally proposed :) Though we have been talking about spending our future together and going to get married, I'm glad it's somewhat official! HEHEHE. I'm not trying to make this engagement a big deal but more of a milestone in my life.

So this was the plot. We agreed to go to GBTB to take photos (what we usually do). And was supposed to go to some secluded roadside to take photos with my new bike. Oops I have yet to introduce Mrs Potts here. Heh... He initially planned to propose in flower dome itself. But it was wayyyy to crowded! Then we finally found a little spot outside. To be honest, I was already suspicious the moment we met. HAHAHA. The way he was dressing up, the things he brought, the places he offered to go after we exited the flower dome. Somehow, I was secretly hoping it won't happen because I was a little embarrassed and shy and "afraid" of surprises.. Hahahaha...

So as you can see, I am a little obsessed with the photo editing. I'm SO IMPRESSED with the photos!

At this point of time we were done taking photos so I thought okay~ Maybe another day perhaps... Anyway my heart wasn't so prepared... We were sort of packing up, until he said SURPRISE! In my heart I was like oh shit oh shit! And he presented a happy 20th month photo book. My mind was everywhere so I didn't take a good look at the book at that point in time. But now after flipping though it slowly, it's like the best gift I've ever received :') It was handmade so sweet. Wrapped in gift wrapping paper HAHA. And this silly boy still bought a poloroid printer so that he could attach the photos into the book. So of course the last page was what I had expected... It said, "Will you marry me?". I was too shy to say yes, but I said "You know the answer". Ok I'm such a loser :/ And he presented me with flowers and a ring...

Fortunately I had such a request to have the proposal recorded... So yes he recorded with this very same camera and we can look back at the video anytime we want :) And I enjoyed watching how nervous he was through his gestures :P This silly boy also went all out to get a real diamond for me. I told him that I will settle with fake/man-made diamond because I didn't want him to spend so much money! But anyway I still love it and I love sparkling stones from now! HAHAHA.

So yeah.... My favourite photo of this series. I am REALLY IMPRESSED with the photos hehehe...

Thank you dear for making the effort to organise this significant event for us. You have put in so much effort physically and mentally and I love it 100% ok! It is the BESTEST BEST thing I've received in my life! Muacks!! Here's to our future!!!

God is love, and love's a gift He's planted

In the hearts of those who pledge themselves in love

My prince will come whenever God sets the time

Hearts will then beat as one like verses in rhyme

O Lord, You know me and my place

You plan it all in wondrous ways

Whoever is Your choice for me

You already know his face

Yes, you have seen his face...

Being Genuine and Sincere

I guess those are my strengths. Just mentioning what I am good at to boost my morale.. After working for almost 10 years as a staff nurse, I'm stuck in the same shit, however being condemned for what I am not good at. Who knows, if I were to be having another kind of job and working for 10 years, with a first class honours and having excellent performance at work (eg. doing shit my manager gives me, faithfully turning up for work), I would maybe take a managerial position or be someone well-recognised? Maybe? Come to think of it. My seniors at work who worked for 10 years were promoted and not treated like shit (or at least it seemed that way).

Recently I had conversations with random colleagues. Despite my weakness, they know my love for patients. You know, with one look you can tell if a nurse is just doing her work for the sake of doing it rather than out of love. I guess this is one perfect gift God has given to me and I will take note of it and treasure it :)

Okay, sorry for boasting but the egoistic person in me just love to burst out. I can't express it to anyone otherwise I will be known to be proud and snobbish so I am expressing it here. Heh... I've been doing some random research as my bond is going to end in 1 year and 9 months' time! Gosh! That is fast! But before resigning, I guess I want to deliver here to benefit from the benefits heh... Anyway, there are couple of things I would like to do. Work in a hospice, work in a nursing home, become a care manager in a day center, go into teaching. I just pray and hope the pay can sustain me though :/ I have not moved house yet, but I'm feeling the pinch by paying for maintenance fee, electrical and water bills, and in the future, internet bills.

Anyway I am emotionally ok now! But weeks back, I recorded You Say. I really appreciate the lyrics and it was SPOT ON how I was feeling at that time when I realised I failed my interview!

I keep fighting voices in my mind that say I'm not enough
Every single lie that tells me I will never measure up
Am I more than just the sum of every high and every low?
Remind me once again just who I am, because I need to know

The only thing that matters now is everything You think of me

In You I find my worth, in You I find my identity

Taking all I have and now I'm layin' it at Your feet

You'll have every failure God, You'll have every victory

You say I am loved when I can't feel a thing

You say I am strong when I think I am weak

And You say I am held when I am falling short

And when I don't belong, oh, You say I am Yours

Feeling like shit...

I think right at this moment I am feeling the most shittiest I have ever felt in a long while :( I mean, I'm human right? I didn't make it for ANC promotion. This is the first promotion which requires an interview and I failed :( Thus the shitty feeling. A few colleagues had so much hope in me and genuinely believe that I could make it. But oh well I guess I let them down. I mean if the management monsters are really out to demoralise and not inspire your staff, then you can continue to do that. Got to admit I didn't exactly do well in selling myself. Like what Malcolm said, Singapore is all about selling. None of the interviewers knew all the shit I did nor how I had always turn up for work nor saw me at my best. I want to say that my resume had so many things that I did. Argh :(

As I began to express myself to the people close to me. I just thought that maybe this is not the place for me to stay. And maybe not promoting me makes it much easier to leave? God I'm not really sure what you have in stored for me. But I trust you and believe in what you want to do for my life. I still dream to work in a hospice and I guess maybe it's time to move on. It's time to create a new and better impression somewhere else, where I can be appreciated and where my ideas and intentions tally with the management. Of course I am very grateful to have grown and be nurtured here... But for now it's a torture to go to work T_T Getting picked on and all that. If I stick on to my beliefs, kenna. Don't stick to be beliefs also kenna :(

Anyway it's the covid-19 period and everyone's staying home except essential workers aka me :( They were asking for volunteers to help out in the foreign worker dormitories. I almost made it but at the last minute they rejected the ward nurses :( Maybe God wants to protect me, maybe He knows how horrible is to be in PPE all day, maybe He has other plans! I hope this period will be over soon!! I hope to update more here. Feel abit sian in writing actually. Heh....

I will end off this blog post with an encouraging verse!
1 Thessalonians 5:18 "in everything give thanks; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus" (NAS)

Also, I hope the older me reading this blog post will laugh at my silliness, telling me now that the future me is doing awesome things in life! :)

New Decade, New Year, New Me!

Before moving to 2020, let's have a look back at 2019. I am thankful for everything!

1) I finally managed to get back to Ward 43... Definitely feeling much happier and way more fulfilled in the things I do :) Still learning new things day by day! One thing's for sure, touching lives day by day, action by action! Seriously, I ought to post more patient encounters over here!

2) Other than that, I've accomplished my outside work-work as well! This Nursing Summit thingy lor. Wasted (oops) every Thursday to prepare for this event! I enjoyed the process of running and managing the event. But I won't say I was so obsessed or into it... Gotta act cool. HAHAHA. Let's just say I didn't like the content of the summit :P

3) And of course as mentioned in my earlier post, the Merit Award :) Eternally grateful for favour upon my life!

Somehow I don't really understand how the heck I managed to get this award. Let's just say I'm not perfect in my work. I don't stay back after work super super late. I don't really take up a lot of projects. The only thing I'm confident on what I did was to always turn up for work (no mc) and made sure I build good rapport with my patients (though I might have been pissed with some of them and showed it through my actions. heh...) But anyway, I believe it was God's favour. It's like Him telling me that "I can do it" even though I believe that I cannot... Let's just hope... That this will look good in my resume for future use :P

4) Building relationship with dear :)

I wouldn't say that this journey was a bed of roses. We've been through quite a fair bit of challenges. But I really pray and believe that the challenges made us stronger together... Definitely loving him more and more everyday!! I can't wait to marry him already! :P Honestly, I do get jealous when my married friends get to go home with their spouse. For us, we go home to our own house. Boohoo. Will I find that living apart is a luxury in the future? HMMMMM.

Alright! What are my 2020 desires?!

1) To grow closer to the Lord (with KG as a couple). A few weeks back pastor encouraged us to set some goals with regards to our walk with God... Maybe we can be more edifying to each other, pray with each other and all. To be honest, I'm not really a deep reader. But who knows, KG can influence me to read and let me read his purchased books hehehe.

2) Which brings to my 2nd desire. To be engaged by this year. Period.

3) My big move to Parc Riviera and hope I have enough money to sustain T_T At the current situation, I am pretty broke!! But still, I want to commit to build this great home!! Wait for it, wait for it!!!

4) Yes to lose weight, by default :P Let's hope the swimming pool and gym at my door step will motivate me a little..

5) To be promoted to ANC so that I can earn more money!!! And for my future dream!!! For recording purpose, I actually didn't apply for promotion last year and got whacked left right up down :P

6) MAY or MAY NOT want to take my masters. Feeling a little bit lazy at the moment to do any sort of thinking after work :/

Ok here's a verse that I thought it was quite encouraging!
"Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes" Matt 6:34 (MSG)

Ok that's all bye.

I Got It?

Praise God! This is definitely one of the milestones I got in 2019! I couldn't be more happier T_T Before creating this post, I also mentioned about being suspicious that I got this award in April. God is really so so so good!! To be honest, I didn't know it was such a grand award until quite a number of people came up to me and congratulated me hahaha... As if it was like my wedding :P

I must say that I still struggle with work on a daily basis with certain colleagues, but I'm always leaning on God's strength to make me a better nurse and person... Or probably I need to spread a positive culture to the people. I need to thank my mom for always helping me wash my uniform and cooking yummy food for me, so that I could excel in work hehe...

Presenting the other KKH nurses who go the award as well! Congrats!

Not forgetting, the lady who nominated me!! I guess in her own way, she is a good leader :) She knows what my talent and potential is, and allowed it to be maximised... I do miss those pre-forum days, where we worked so so hard in Ward 71's NM room hahaha. I can never thank her enough :)

I guess this award and even being a nurse means so so much to be because I was trying damn hard to hold back my tears while the speech by the Chief Nurse Officer was going on... She just merely mentioned the qualities of a nurse and that patients are at the heart of all we do. Indeed, I can really relate so so much with that. It really brings me great pleasure to serve my patients even though I have to do low class stuff like clean their shit/urine, get bad attitude from sucky support staffs and the list goes on... At least now I can't really say that I get irritating and rude patients cos they are all so lovable in 43 :)

Since I'm at this "passionate" topic, let me mention about my patient J who has been with the Lord about 2 months ago... I'm not sure why, but I've developed a strong relationship with her over the past few weeks she stayed with us. Probably because I got to know her in day therapy last year... More than that, I also got to build a good relation with one of her daughter, who was ever so willing learn stuff, just for her mom to be happy and comfortable. As I assisted with her terminal discharge, J's last wish was to go to Sentosa from the hospital for a staycation the family had booked beforehand. In my heart, I thought that it was so impossible as she required oxygen and always had to change diapers! As she left the ward, I could not help myself but broke into tears and I caressed J's face and hugged her. The crying was so bad that I made her daughter cry as well. We exchanged hugs as it was my way to comfort her and support her... Who knew.. J managed to stay alive for the 3D2N staycation and passed on peacefully and happily 2 days after she got home.

I didn't hear much from J until her daughter came by with chocolates and a hand-written card about 3 weeks after she passed on. I must say it was God's plan because she could have come by the way while I was on my vacation or not on shift. But I had the chance to see her and received closure! Her daughter shared with me the moments they spent in Sentosa with J for the last time and that she passed on peacefully. Then, she told me that her ashes were placed at the church near my house! What are the chances! Now, I can visit and say hello to her when I want to (I have yet to do it though hehe)! But I will do it soon! For now, I'm happy that J is in a happy place and I will fondly think of her!

I guess such stories keeps me going as a nurse. Being there for patients, or if possible, being there for their families. At the meantime, I'm still giving love to my patients in the ward :) Allow me to quote something I mentioned in the merit award booklet:

"I have never regretted becoming an oncology nurse. It is fulfilling as I get to accompany patients through their cancer journey. Holding their hands is my way of showing my patients that I am here for them and being with them at their last days is so special to me. Though I may not be their family member, I know I have made a difference in their lives :')"

I guess when I'm so sick of management crap, I have this to look back to :) Thanking God for giving me the strength day by day :)

It has been 8 years

It has been 8 years since I joined nursing.. Wow. Congratulations to myself. I did it!! I stayed on and I'm still bonded until 2022 which will be my 12th year in nursing. Come to think of it, it was a journey full of ups and down. One thing for sure... I have aged and become less energetic and more tired T_T

Today, I was on afternoon shift and super shagged because I only slept for like 2.5 hours on my post night. However, 3 patients separately asked me if I had dinner. So sweet of them! It was nice of them to engage a conversation or check on me... I realise I have sort of stopped being chatty to patients because I'm just too tired to talk to anyone hehe. But maybe I should really talk to them once again, get into their lives, make friends etc! I do feel bad when patients remember me by my name but I only know their face and not their name... Time to get personally connected with them...

One more thing to add... I have been nominated for the nursing merit award thing. I'm not very sure if I will be awarded but if I do, I think I will be happy and make myself work better without complaining? Haha. You see, for the past many years, I have always regarded myself as always coming to work. Hardly taking any sick leave. Sometimes I really find it unfair. Why do my colleagues always take sick leave but me. I'm always coming to work with sometimes super short handed staffing. Whereas colleagues who is down with a tiny flu or cramps or whatever get to rest at home. I somehow do want that rest to :( Everytime my managers give me "extra" work to do, I will always complain- I am already faithfully coming to work every single day. Why must I still stay back and do extra work and all that? Well, I guess if I get this reward then it will be worth it? Maybe this award will affirm my passion in nursing and let me stay on? Still I won't say I'm the best person at work. I make mistakes, I screw up, I get lazy sometimes...

I just hope I can do more for the cancer patients. Time to get my head thinking once again!! God give me wisdom and strength!

What I Look Forward to in 2019

The year has not been too bad so far while working in 43 :) Getting my momentum going... A little tired though, as tomorrow will be my 3rd consecutive morning working! Praying for strength!! Nevertheless, I am VERY happy to be back in 43!

So here is what I am looking forward in 2019!

1) More adventures with dear dear :)

Can't wait to spend time with him more and understand more about each other!

2) Moving to Parc Riveria

TOP is in Sep 2019 so I'm really, really excited to be setting up my new home and living on my own! But I foresee myself getting busy with house chores, parties and struggling financially! Heh... But all will be good!! Most importantly, I want to laze on my hammock/sofa everyday!

3) If all is good financially, I am looking forward to the change of phone. Hahaha.

I know it sounds pretty superficial but I really, really dislike using the iPhone :( Back to Android it is!

4) Hokkaido trip with Malcolm in June!! (no elaboration required)

5) Have a true sense of achievement in working right now!! And on top of that, attempt to start on some sort of academic studies for the better of patients!

It's pretty weird that for the past few days, I have always been thinking about work while resting at home. It's like I just can't get my mind off it! And I secretly look forward to work!! I'm starting to feel what I used to feel when I was in 43 previously or maybe even better! Yeah!! I think very soon I might be a workaholic! Whoops!

Looks like 2019 started well! Hope that this year will be my favourite year yet!!