Me? Fail?! Because I took the wrong syringe?! Come on! It's like in a baking test, I used a spoon to whip the dough instead of the whisker! Not even a second chance. Was talked down as if I came to nursing in vain. (I strongly think I am rational and not defending myself)
Bias, she was bias. Her OWN student, didn't comply to the aseptic technique and she still passed. Aseptic technique is more important than just one stoopid syringe. What's more, the units were similiar. Even if I injected using that to a real patient, I believe he/she won't die. But how about the aseptic technique?! All the stoopid microorganisms enter the body already!
I could not help, but broke down. I have never cried/sobbed in front of so many people for a long time. Is it entirely my fault? Lecturer's fault? School system's fault? If it's my fault? I didn't read notes properly?(NOTE: The notes didn't write about not choosing that particular syringe) Lecturer's fault? She didn't warn us about choosing any wrong syringe that will be placed together. Besides, during practice, the syringes were opened up already. Like me, an amature would know? School's fault? That I only knew about the test in the morning? (ok, i was prepared for the test, according what the teacher taught anyway)
I cried because I felt upset. Why can't a human being cry? Oh, I know why, because you're heartless, so you don't cry.
She had to fail me one way or the other. Offered options to her. Still had to fail me. I begged her, like some hopeless child. It meant a lot to me. Does this show I am not competent to be a nurse? So what if I have the passion? I know I'm careless(born with it) but I was extra careful, realising my weakness.
She mocked at me for my lousy maths calculations. I didn't dare to calculate mentally. If I did, and got the wrong answer, wouldent it be worse? I really do miss teachers who encourages me on maths, like Ms Ngiam.
During confrontation, I was thinking, "What for you say such harsh words to me? No wonder you all desperately need nurses in Singapore. Look at how you are all treating them?! Even the nurses themselves(who think they are damn smart) are doing so." I will change it. Yes, one day I will.
This world is so funny, isn't it? On one hand, people say, "Come on, you can do it! You have the capacity to do all these! I believe in you!" On the other hand, "Why are you over-confident? I think you have too much ego." So, where do I stand?
[To my future patients: I'm going through all these because I wanna have the skills to care for you guys. When you are sick, I wanna be there for you. I don't gain anything from all these(except rice in my bowl).] Yup, this makes me feel much better :)
After the test, the first thought that came to me was, "WHAT FOR I GO FOR OPM?!?!" But another part of me had to go for it. And I'm glad I had no regrets :) OPM was a BLAST!
Retest, bring it on! I know the "mistake" and I'm gonna do the best out of it!
Done, thank you for reading!