Today, I reached my breaking point. I had it. I had enough of all these nonsense. I know I was emotional, but having the thoughts of breaking my bond, withdrawing from my uni, resigning, hoping that I will just get into a road accident proved that I could no longer take it anymore.
Where is my love for work? I still remember, being happy. Happy to be involved in hospital related events, enthusiastic about international audits, wanting to help the hospital and uphold the name. Always being the first few staff to come to work. Staying back to help or run some errands. I didn't mind doing all these then. I was happy.
I was reading my previous blog entries years back... All I wanted to do was to improve myself so much and love my patients. But my current situation does not seem to allow me to do so. I feel horrible. I dread work now. Hate to see the people who knows how to talk but does not do any action.
What makes things worse is that you can act as if nothing happened. I really applaud your excellent drama skills. After so much that we have gone through together, you can just shake me off and treat me as if we are strangers, or simply just normal colleagues. I feel disgusted with that behaviour. I really do. It's like all the we've been through together does not matter anymore. The long talks we had, the little favours I helped you with, the times where I would just sit at your place and stare at the TV to be with you at the lowest point of your life. Nothing... They all mean nothing now.
I don't know what will go on from here... I remember telling myself, to love you unconditionally. No matter what. But I didn't mean it this way. It's like I rather you give me lousy grades for appraisal but still treat me as someone you love.
I hate you. I despise you.