Five Important Things To Say
You have just learned that someone dear to you is dying. It is an awkward time for both of you. Do you talk about death? How? Do you pretend it is not happening?
No one is ever taught in school how to prepare for death or how to deal with a loved one who is dying. What do I say? What do I do to help?
Here are five things that are important for you to say to your loved one. It is important for both of you. Your loved one needs to hear them and, at some point, you will look back and wish you had said them.
So, why not say them now, while you can still communicate with your loved one? Why wait until he or she might not be able to understand or to respond to you?
As a matter of fact, these are five things we should be saying to all our loved ones on a regular basis. There is no need to wait until someone is dying to have these discussions.
THANK YOU. There are probably many things you want to say “thank you” for. Regardless of what they are, hearing the thanks come from people who are important in their lives will give the dying person confidence that s/he has made a difference in people's lives. Knowing that you recognize and appreciate what s/he has done for you will also give him/her assurances that you never will forget them. All of this can be very comforting to the dying person.
I LOVE YOU. If you are truly close to the dying person, this might go without saying. But it can never be said too often. We all need to be loved and to know that we are loved. This is especially important for the dying person. If he or she knows they are dying, they are probably frightened. When facing the unknown, it is always reassuring to know that we are walking with someone who loves us. But even more important is the place that love plays in the transition from life to death and then to eternal life. We are told by St. John that “God is love, and s/he who abides in love abides in God and God in them.” If life is a journey to Love, how important it is to know that we have loved and been loved in this life!
I'LL NEVER FORGET. We are told that one of the fears of a dying person is that they will not have made a lasting impact in this life. Tell your loved one that he or she has meant a lot to you; that you would not be the person you are today without them. Spend some time remembering the good things you've done together, the things s/he has done for you, the impact s/he has had on your life. Give him or her assurances that you recognize these things and will be forever grateful to him/her for them. Tell them how you try or will try to pass them on to others in your life.
I'M SORRY. Dying offers a wonderful opportunity for reconciliation. No matter how close you are to someone, no matter how much love you share, there are always times when you do or say things that hurt that person. Some times they are small things; some times not so small. It is important for your own sake to tell the dying person that you are sorry for the times you have hurt or failed him/her. This might be in the form of a conversation about specific things that have occurred between you, or it might be more general – “I'm sorry for anything that I might have done over the years to hurt you or to damage our relationship.” That will also give the dying person the opportunity to forgive you and for the two of you to be reconciled over anything that you might have done to hurt the relationship.
I FORGIVE YOU. This is the flip side of saying “I'm sorry.” You have the opportunity to forgive the dying person for anything that s/he might have done to hurt you. This is not the time to hold back. Even if you have been hurt greatly, be magnanimous and offer total forgiveness. This can be a great source of comfort and release for the dying person. It pre-figures the total forgiveness that we all believe and hope will be ours when we come face-to-face with God.
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