Unfortunately, I only have a week of lectures this term. Sad. I enjoyed lectures the past 4 days, even though I was so tired. Monday was crazy because I went out on Sunday night and was in bed at 2.50am. I lied in bed for an hour, not asleep. I could not sleep and gave up. Watched a movie at 5.30am in the end and prepared to go to school. Hahaha.
Anyway that is not the main thing I wanna share about in this post... The lectures were well-planned, and I enjoyed having people from different palliative care areas coming in to share about their experiences.
As they shared their life experience in relation to palliative care, I could not help but to recall significant incidences with my ex-patients. Ex, because they have moved on to the other side.... I remember telling myself that after advanced diploma, I must be a changed person and be more professional in terms of providing emotional support for my cancer patients.
True enough, I did establish good patient-nurse relationship with some of my patients. I remember that one of my old patient had a relapse and was admitted. We didn't really expect when she was going. I was in-charge of her one very busy day. I remember her asking for her breakthrough morphine because she was breathless. I went into the treatment room to take the medicine. When I got back to her, she had already stopped breathing. I could not help but to break out in tears. I blamed myself for not getting back to her in time to give her her medication. I felt like I was a let down to her, especially when we knew each other too well that she would call me by my name. I was that close to her that I grieved over her in the single room.
Another lady was someone I knew since she was first diagnosed. After treatment, her condition got worse. She had been in and out of the hospital many times. Though my therapeutic patient-nurse relation was not the ideal one, I know I was genuine towards her everytime we talked. I made sure she trusted me well. She was vomiting feacal material out of her mouth and needed to have NGT inserted. No matter how much the doctors or my colleagues talked to her, she strongly refused. When I was with her. All I did was to promise her that I will inserted the NGT well and carefully, and that she would feel better. Eventually I broke the barrier and allowed me to do so.
On another episode, she was admitted to another ward. I went to visit her on my night shift. Little did I know it would be my last time talking to her :( So we chatted until I could not stay any longer as I had to do my work. Even as we said good bye, I told her I will visit her the next morning after my shift. I didn't manage to because I was going to KL for church retreat after my night shift. When I returned, I got a message that her husband was looking for me while I was away. So apparently she lost conscious 2 days after our last conversation. Her husband knew that I was close to her, and hoped that by me calling out to her, she might respond and wake up. This made me think that she was really drawn close to me due to the relationship that I had built with her.
Upon hearing the news that she had a terminal discharge, I went straight to her house. I had to. Who knew, when her husband asked for me, maybe she wanted to see me. I told myself that I didn't want to life with regrets. There she was, lifeless, but still breathing. I saw her family struggling to care for her, so I helped to change her clothes and her pampers with her sister. I looked at her and said a little prayer, hoping that she would wake up. But I know that that would never happen. Soon after, I left and said my last goodbye.
The next day, her sister texted and told me that she had passed away. I attended her funeral. That was my way of coping with her death. At least for now, I want to believe that she is in heaven with the Lord. Through my prayers, I hope the Lord accepted her into the kingdom.
It's strange, isn't it? I want to have a genuine relationship with my patients. I want to walk through the cancer journey with them. Yet at the same time, I know I will get upset when they die. Thankfully I am able to get it over within a few days.
For now, I have thoughts of enrolling into the palliative team, to learn more things. I hope I will have the chance.