Grateful

It all started when my manager told me to fill up an application form in November last year. All I had was hope. There was so much difficulty in even filling up the application form that I almost wanted to give up.

Then came the hospital interview in February... I did so badly and embarrassed myself in front of the interviewers. I showed them ineloquent I was. I really thought that I was not going to make it. And it was true that I did not do well. But somehow, the interviewers decided to let me pass.

Lastly, was the school's interview where I was stopped while talking halfway because the interviewer felt that I was not answering what they wanted me to answer :/

Despite all these cock ups, I made it.

I can officially say that I am a "scholar"! :) Ok, I am not a scholar scholar, but I feel like it because the hospital is gonna pay for my school fees.

Ever since I started to work, it was my dream to have my degree sponsored by the hospital. I've come to realise that not everyone can get this chance. My "seniors" seemed to be really high flyers and smart asses. Despite my not-so-fantastic results in school, and my so-so performance at work, God met the desires of my heart and gave it to me.

My manager was the one who had so much confidence in me, encouraged me that I could do it, gave me opportunities to shine and be known and initiated this sponsorship thing. I can never thank her enough(which explains why she means the world to me). We have this joke, that I owe her my lifetime of service and dedication to her. But this is so true. I really owe it to her.

I am very thankful and grateful for this. I hear from people that it's not going to be easy. But let this journey help me grow and groom me to be the best Maria that I can ever be.

Thank you Jesus.

My Prayer

Tomorrow is the day where we find out if it's positive or negative. The result will either make her the happiest person in the world, or tear her apart. For me, it's either continuing this wonderful partnership or leaving her forever :'( Urgh, the thought of it scares me. It really does.

God however, is wonderful. I want to believe that God has a plan. As we were talking in her house last Saturday, she actually asked what I do in church. I shared the usual stuff we do and also mentioned that it is a place where we are reminded how much God is here for us. For the past year or so, it has always been my desire to introduce Christ to her. Given my situation, it wasn't really easy and I felt resistance. But that day, she could ask me about church. An open door. God, are you doing something? Lead me to do Your will.

Very very very nervous for the upcoming results! Lord, do a work in this situation please.

Holding Space

Recently, someone very close to my heart has been going through a time of sadness, depression, and well, everything negative. I am happy that she shared with me, because it proved how significant I am to her. Yet at the same time, I feel so burdened, I feel so sad. Most of the time, I ask myself... Why am I not the one having the sickness? Why her? Yes. I love her that much to say that...

I did establish to her that I will be there for her no matter what. I will be by her side. As much as I can, I will go through everything with her. I know that I am not a good counsellor. But if it's doing things within my limits, I am willing to do it. Sigh... It's so hard to talk to people. I've always had this problem. I feel so ineloquent. All I could do was to give her a big hug.

What made this situation worse was her partner. I feel enraged. Stupid. Irrational. Why.... Why is religion destroying people? I am really angry. Really, really angry. Come on. We deal with sick people everyday. We encounter medical stuff. Even a dumb person would know that early detection is always a good thing. Or at least, confirming the existence(or not) of the sickness reassures the person. Don't tell me if you go investigate the sickness, one's fate will change, and it will be a bad one. What bullshit is this. And when she needs you the most at home, you are out of the house attending praying sessions. What kind of shit support is this? This is really tearing her apart. It hurts me to see her like this.

I am as scared as her about the results. If it were to be positive, many things will change. She would be going to a place far away and I might not see her anymore. I even had a vision... In the airport, during her departure. I had never cried so badly in public before. All the things that we wanted to do in the future..... Gone.... Running the nursing home/hospice together. Having my kid to call her god-ma. I wouldn't be able to see her on a daily basis anymore~ Then again, I was reminded not to be selfish. I might have to let her go..

Recently, someone sent me an article about "Holding Space" which means to support the person, no matter what decision he/she makes. She might make certain decisions due to her circumstance. And as a person who really loves her, I should support whatever choices she makes. It's hard but I am trying.

God... If You are really there, please let the results be negative. It's something that I beg of you. Let Your peace come upon her. Help her... Like how you would help me. Teach me to support her appropriately and don't make me too emotional. You know... You can take away my desires from me. Just let her be sick-free.

Sigh, at times like this, I do think that I overreact and get too emotional. But the reason is because I love her. She has done so much for me. She influenced me so much the past 4 years. She has doted on me since day 1. She made me who I am today.

I love her... I really, really love her. Please don't take her away from me...

My Life

Had my last minute off day today and I spent most of it sleeping. I guess I'm really so darn tired :( Or am I lazy? Or am I just emotionally upset that it turns to tiredness? :( Prolly I just need to settle down and simply reflect my life. Too many things had been happening around me. Too many things pending. Too much procrastination going on. Urgh...

1) Need to change my attitude in 43

I guess that there has somehow been a change of behaviour since I came back from 71. Maybe too complacent? Too "lazy"? Not helping others when I can? Always complaining if I have a little more stuff to do or if no one helps me? Having a negative outlook? Giving stupid answers without thinking properly?

Lord, please help me. As always, I want to be the best person that I can be. Guide me as I go through work everyday. Help me become a better person/nurse. Let me inject positivity to everyone...

2) The responsibilities I have at work(which is outside work)

I had the "privilege" to temporarily take over the support group and I am running one event that is gonna happen in April. Wow... I am very thankful for the wonderful support that has been given to me and I hope the event will be a great success! I guess I will be heavily involved in another activity that will happen in September. I hope all goes well! *fingers crossed*

PIP project that I am assisting to oversee as well. Not that much teamwork going on but I hope that we can "close shop" and implement something amazing! I was actually quite spurred off initially but now I feel dead, because sometimes I feel that the whole whole is waiting for me to say something about it.

Working on research stuff as well! :/ My darkest nightmare is coming!!!

Lastly, the onco-trained group which somehow is a great burden to me. At times, I do feel tired initiating things. Yet, people do not like to hear me complain. I fear that when I complain, they think that I am lazy, I like to push the responsibility around. Urgh... Should I voice out? Or should I keep quiet and continue to do all these things?

3) Getting my ass to sign up as a volunteer

I have already filled up the form. Ok, it's already March. Time to submit the form!!!

4) I need to manage my emotions

Yes, we have been going out pretty often. But I just feel that he's stepping back every time I step forward. And when he steps forward, I step backward, ponder for awhile and start stepping forward. And I just get so darn emotionally affected by it. Is there anything wrong with me? Am I overdoing things? All these years I feel pretty numb to all these. But because of what another friend had mention to me in the beginning of the year, I felt things had changed. But was he saying the truth?

Lord, are you anywhere in this situation? I beg for a miracle to happen. I can't take it anymore. I'm just thinking, it's either I forget about him(naturally and not get hurt), or something to happen between the both of us. Please :( For the last time, I hope, I beg of You :(

5) Life's good with the bike

For now, I have a different lifestyle. Now that I am pretty used to it, I hope that I can be a more efficient, well-rested person. And then, I need to compensate all the walking I have done by exercising. Weekly jogs? Hmmmm... Ok, I shall hopefully make sure I do it! Yeah!

A quarter is coming to an end soon. Time really flies. I hope 2015 will be an amazing year. I want to feel that I am a better person. I want to be happy.