Recently, someone very close to my heart has been going through a time of sadness, depression, and well, everything negative. I am happy that she shared with me, because it proved how significant I am to her. Yet at the same time, I feel so burdened, I feel so sad. Most of the time, I ask myself... Why am I not the one having the sickness? Why her? Yes. I love her that much to say that...
I did establish to her that I will be there for her no matter what. I will be by her side. As much as I can, I will go through everything with her. I know that I am not a good counsellor. But if it's doing things within my limits, I am willing to do it. Sigh... It's so hard to talk to people. I've always had this problem. I feel so ineloquent. All I could do was to give her a big hug.
What made this situation worse was her partner. I feel enraged. Stupid. Irrational. Why.... Why is religion destroying people? I am really angry. Really, really angry. Come on. We deal with sick people everyday. We encounter medical stuff. Even a dumb person would know that early detection is always a good thing. Or at least, confirming the existence(or not) of the sickness reassures the person. Don't tell me if you go investigate the sickness, one's fate will change, and it will be a bad one. What bullshit is this. And when she needs you the most at home, you are out of the house attending praying sessions. What kind of shit support is this? This is really tearing her apart. It hurts me to see her like this.
I am as scared as her about the results. If it were to be positive, many things will change. She would be going to a place far away and I might not see her anymore. I even had a vision... In the airport, during her departure. I had never cried so badly in public before. All the things that we wanted to do in the future..... Gone.... Running the nursing home/hospice together. Having my kid to call her god-ma. I wouldn't be able to see her on a daily basis anymore~ Then again, I was reminded not to be selfish. I might have to let her go..
Recently, someone sent me an article about "Holding Space" which means to support the person, no matter what decision he/she makes. She might make certain decisions due to her circumstance. And as a person who really loves her, I should support whatever choices she makes. It's hard but I am trying.
God... If You are really there, please let the results be negative. It's something that I beg of you. Let Your peace come upon her. Help her... Like how you would help me. Teach me to support her appropriately and don't make me too emotional. You know... You can take away my desires from me. Just let her be sick-free.
Sigh, at times like this, I do think that I overreact and get too emotional. But the reason is because I love her. She has done so much for me. She influenced me so much the past 4 years. She has doted on me since day 1. She made me who I am today.
I love her... I really, really love her. Please don't take her away from me...