I'm Coming Home

I'm at the last lap of this UK/Europe trip! I thank God that all that were planned for this trip went as planned. Though, I do have to admit that I had enough of visiting cities, taking glamorous pictures and visiting the must-go places.

I will definitely remember this trip forever because of a special someone. It's funny how some super random person can come into my life and perhaps change my life forever. I remember for the past 10 over years, I always longed for someone who would like me for who I am, and I would be also given the chance to like the person back. Now, I found that person. I feel happier. It's nice to have someone special in your mind and to be in that special someone's mind. I genuinely enjoyed the dates I had with him, getting to know him better. The best part was laughing and just feeling happy together. I wondered to myself, why did I only experience this after my 25 years of existence?

It's so difficult to tell what the future will bring :( If I really go over to the UK, it's like letting go of all my aspirations and career goals (yes, they are so darn important to me). Yet at the same time I want to cherish him like crazy and never let him go if possible.

As for now, I will wait for him to come to Singapore. So far, we have been messaging each other everyday (which is good). Let's see how long we can sustain this. Sigh sigh sigh. 

God, can you make us happen? Please?

My First Kiss

I guess whatever happens in Manchester stays in Manchester. You can call me crazy. Yes. I went out on a date with an Englishman (sort of). I'm not boasting, but he is really crazy about me. He admires me like crazy. Well how do I feel about him? The feeling is "I don't know". I don't like him as much as the guys I used to like. But maybe in a few more dates, I would be able to tell? Then again, I know I can't like him. There isn't any future for us. Sad reality yeah...

We held hands, cuddled and kissed. God. I am so new to this. Never interlaced fingers with anyone before. Never had someone stroking the back of my palms with their fingers before. Never had my lips pressed against someone else's one.

I feel emotional. Why does anyone for the past 26 years of my life not like me like he does? Why do I need to fly all the way to Manchester to know how it is like to be liked? :(

I promise myself to bring back sweet memories. Yes I will.

What have I done?

A simple chat made me end up in a messed up situation :( Nobody said such nice things to be before. Nobody told me that I am beautiful and attractive. Nobody openly confessed that they like me. This is why I give in. People who adore me deserves my respect, attention and love. 

This is where I start to take the wrong step. I know things are not going to work out for us. First, it feels so wrong. So, so wrong. Then distance will give us problems. Cultural and religious differences will also be in the way of a happy relationship.

I'm just playing with my heart and feelings. Gosh. Why did I even end up in this :( At time same time, it's something new that I am experiencing and learning.

I want to leave Manchester with happy memories. Will this be a happy or a heart-wrenching one? :(

累

我累了。我真的真的很累。

在你的眼里，你所说的是对。我是错。我虽然有时会emotional, 可是我能控制自己。为什么你不能想一下我行动的原因呢?

我累了。我真的真的很累。

Having Clousure

Today I was reminded of what to say to have closure to someone who is dying, or leaving me for a long time:

Five Important Things To Say

You have just learned that someone dear to you is dying. It is an awkward time for both of you. Do you talk about death? How? Do you pretend it is not happening?

No one is ever taught in school how to prepare for death or how to deal with a loved one who is dying. What do I say? What do I do to help?

Here are five things that are important for you to say to your loved one. It is important for both of you. Your loved one needs to hear them and, at some point, you will look back and wish you had said them.

So, why not say them now, while you can still communicate with your loved one? Why wait until he or she might not be able to understand or to respond to you?

As a matter of fact, these are five things we should be saying to all our loved ones on a regular basis. There is no need to wait until someone is dying to have these discussions.

THANK YOU. There are probably many things you want to say “thank you” for. Regardless of what they are, hearing the thanks come from people who are important in their lives will give the dying person confidence that s/he has made a difference in people's lives. Knowing that you recognize and appreciate what s/he has done for you will also give him/her assurances that you never will forget them. All of this can be very comforting to the dying person.

I LOVE YOU. If you are truly close to the dying person, this might go without saying. But it can never be said too often.   We all need to be loved and to know that we are loved. This is especially important for the dying person. If he or she knows they are dying, they are probably frightened. When facing the unknown, it is always reassuring to know that we are walking with someone who loves us.   But even more important is the place that love plays in the transition from life to death and then to eternal life. We are told by St. John that “God is love, and s/he who abides in love abides in God and God in them.” If life is a journey to Love, how important it is to know that we have loved and been loved in this life!

I'LL NEVER FORGET. We are told that one of the fears of a dying person is that they will not have made a lasting impact in this life. Tell your loved one that he or she has meant a lot to you; that you would not be the person you are today without them. Spend some time remembering the good things you've done together, the things s/he has done for you, the impact s/he has had on your life. Give him or her assurances that you recognize these things and will be forever grateful to him/her for them. Tell them how you try or will try to pass them on to others in your life.

I'M SORRY. Dying offers a wonderful opportunity for reconciliation. No matter how close you are to someone, no matter how much love you share, there are always times when you do or say things that hurt that person. Some times they are small things; some times not so small.   It is important for your own sake to tell the dying person that you are sorry for the times you have hurt or failed him/her. This might be in the form of a conversation about specific things that have occurred between you, or it might be more general – “I'm sorry for anything that I might have done over the years to hurt you or to damage our relationship.” That will also give the dying person the opportunity to forgive you and for the two of you to be reconciled over anything that you might have done to hurt the relationship.

I FORGIVE YOU. This is the flip side of saying “I'm sorry.” You have the opportunity to forgive the dying person for anything that s/he might have done to hurt you. This is not the time to hold back. Even if you have been hurt greatly, be magnanimous and offer total forgiveness.   This can be a great source of comfort and release for the dying person. It pre-figures the total forgiveness that we all believe and hope will be ours when we come face-to-face with God.

Source: Unknown

A Wonderful Saturday

Weekends are meant to be full of fun and activities!! Once again, we had our yearly support group outing! :D I had so much fun and I am sure the patients had fun too! I think what touched me most was having them to talk to one another, being happy and being themselves. More than just providing medical care, I want to support them, and make them happy by doing what normal people would do! This is the reason why I wanted to join the support group! I hope to bring it to greater heights!

Soon after the event, I rushed off to ION Orchard to support Jamie's event! I had fun and fell into their trap by buying 2 items :X Oh no oh no. I love this photo of them. The light just nice shining on them. So sad I no in :(

Nice photobooth set up!!!

Andrea was the emcee of the event. So how could I not take a photo with her? Darn, I look horrible and fat and short :/ Ok, after yesterday, I am inspired to look good!! Was meant to run today. But slept at 4.30am so I skipped it. OOPS.

Woohoo! The lao ban niang of the event!!~

Happy with our purchases :)

The poster was too cool! These were all my damages ehehehe. No lah actually most of them were free gifts. YAY.

Palliative attachment is starting!~~ Hope I can do this! I NEED TO FREAKING BUCK UP. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME. SHIT SHIT SHIT. I almost failed EBNP. Huhuhu so sad :((((( STOP PLAYING AROUND!!!

A week of Support and Palliative Care lectures

Unfortunately, I only have a week of lectures this term. Sad. I enjoyed lectures the past 4 days, even though I was so tired. Monday was crazy because I went out on Sunday night and was in bed at 2.50am. I lied in bed for an hour, not asleep. I could not sleep and gave up. Watched a movie at 5.30am in the end and prepared to go to school. Hahaha.

Anyway that is not the main thing I wanna share about in this post... The lectures were well-planned, and I enjoyed having people from different palliative care areas coming in to share about their experiences.

As they shared their life experience in relation to palliative care, I could not help but to recall significant incidences with my ex-patients. Ex, because they have moved on to the other side.... I remember telling myself that after advanced diploma, I must be a changed person and be more professional in terms of providing emotional support for my cancer patients.

True enough, I did establish good patient-nurse relationship with some of my patients. I remember that one of my old patient had a relapse and was admitted. We didn't really expect when she was going. I was in-charge of her one very busy day. I remember her asking for her breakthrough morphine because she was breathless. I went into the treatment room to take the medicine. When I got back to her, she had already stopped breathing. I could not help but to break out in tears. I blamed myself for not getting back to her in time to give her her medication. I felt like I was a let down to her, especially when we knew each other too well that she would call me by my name. I was that close to her that I grieved over her in the single room.

Another lady was someone I knew since she was first diagnosed. After treatment, her condition got worse. She had been in and out of the hospital many times. Though my therapeutic patient-nurse relation was not the ideal one, I know I was genuine towards her everytime we talked. I made sure she trusted me well. She was vomiting feacal material out of her mouth and needed to have NGT inserted. No matter how much the doctors or my colleagues talked to her, she strongly refused. When I was with her. All I did was to promise her that I will inserted the NGT well and carefully, and that she would feel better. Eventually I broke the barrier and allowed me to do so.

On another episode, she was admitted to another ward. I went to visit her on my night shift. Little did I know it would be my last time talking to her :( So we chatted until I could not stay any longer as I had to do my work. Even as we said good bye, I told her I will visit her the next morning after my shift. I didn't manage to because I was going to KL for church retreat after my night shift. When I returned, I got a message that her husband was looking for me while I was away. So apparently she lost conscious 2 days after our last conversation. Her husband knew that I was close to her, and hoped that by me calling out to her, she might respond and wake up. This made me think that she was really drawn close to me due to the relationship that I had built with her.

Upon hearing the news that she had a terminal discharge, I went straight to her house. I had to. Who knew, when her husband asked for me, maybe she wanted to see me. I told myself that I didn't want to life with regrets. There she was, lifeless, but still breathing. I saw her family struggling to care for her, so I helped to change her clothes and her pampers with her sister. I looked at her and said a little prayer, hoping that she would wake up. But I know that that would never happen. Soon after, I left and said my last goodbye.

The next day, her sister texted and told me that she had passed away. I attended her funeral. That was my way of coping with her death. At least for now, I want to believe that she is in heaven with the Lord. Through my prayers, I hope the Lord accepted her into the kingdom.

It's strange, isn't it? I want to have a genuine relationship with my patients. I want to walk through the cancer journey with them. Yet at the same time, I know I will get upset when they die. Thankfully I am able to get it over within a few days.

For now, I have thoughts of enrolling into the palliative team, to learn more things. I hope I will have the chance.