Having Clousure

Today I was reminded of what to say to have closure to someone who is dying, or leaving me for a long time:

Five Important Things To Say

You have just learned that someone dear to you is dying. It is an awkward time for both of you. Do you talk about death? How? Do you pretend it is not happening?

No one is ever taught in school how to prepare for death or how to deal with a loved one who is dying. What do I say? What do I do to help?

Here are five things that are important for you to say to your loved one. It is important for both of you. Your loved one needs to hear them and, at some point, you will look back and wish you had said them.

So, why not say them now, while you can still communicate with your loved one? Why wait until he or she might not be able to understand or to respond to you?

As a matter of fact, these are five things we should be saying to all our loved ones on a regular basis. There is no need to wait until someone is dying to have these discussions.

THANK YOU. There are probably many things you want to say “thank you” for. Regardless of what they are, hearing the thanks come from people who are important in their lives will give the dying person confidence that s/he has made a difference in people's lives. Knowing that you recognize and appreciate what s/he has done for you will also give him/her assurances that you never will forget them. All of this can be very comforting to the dying person.

I LOVE YOU. If you are truly close to the dying person, this might go without saying. But it can never be said too often.   We all need to be loved and to know that we are loved. This is especially important for the dying person. If he or she knows they are dying, they are probably frightened. When facing the unknown, it is always reassuring to know that we are walking with someone who loves us.   But even more important is the place that love plays in the transition from life to death and then to eternal life. We are told by St. John that “God is love, and s/he who abides in love abides in God and God in them.” If life is a journey to Love, how important it is to know that we have loved and been loved in this life!

I'LL NEVER FORGET. We are told that one of the fears of a dying person is that they will not have made a lasting impact in this life. Tell your loved one that he or she has meant a lot to you; that you would not be the person you are today without them. Spend some time remembering the good things you've done together, the things s/he has done for you, the impact s/he has had on your life. Give him or her assurances that you recognize these things and will be forever grateful to him/her for them. Tell them how you try or will try to pass them on to others in your life.

I'M SORRY. Dying offers a wonderful opportunity for reconciliation. No matter how close you are to someone, no matter how much love you share, there are always times when you do or say things that hurt that person. Some times they are small things; some times not so small.   It is important for your own sake to tell the dying person that you are sorry for the times you have hurt or failed him/her. This might be in the form of a conversation about specific things that have occurred between you, or it might be more general – “I'm sorry for anything that I might have done over the years to hurt you or to damage our relationship.” That will also give the dying person the opportunity to forgive you and for the two of you to be reconciled over anything that you might have done to hurt the relationship.

I FORGIVE YOU. This is the flip side of saying “I'm sorry.” You have the opportunity to forgive the dying person for anything that s/he might have done to hurt you. This is not the time to hold back. Even if you have been hurt greatly, be magnanimous and offer total forgiveness.   This can be a great source of comfort and release for the dying person. It pre-figures the total forgiveness that we all believe and hope will be ours when we come face-to-face with God.

Source: Unknown

A Wonderful Saturday

Weekends are meant to be full of fun and activities!! Once again, we had our yearly support group outing! :D I had so much fun and I am sure the patients had fun too! I think what touched me most was having them to talk to one another, being happy and being themselves. More than just providing medical care, I want to support them, and make them happy by doing what normal people would do! This is the reason why I wanted to join the support group! I hope to bring it to greater heights!

Soon after the event, I rushed off to ION Orchard to support Jamie's event! I had fun and fell into their trap by buying 2 items :X Oh no oh no. I love this photo of them. The light just nice shining on them. So sad I no in :(

Nice photobooth set up!!!

Andrea was the emcee of the event. So how could I not take a photo with her? Darn, I look horrible and fat and short :/ Ok, after yesterday, I am inspired to look good!! Was meant to run today. But slept at 4.30am so I skipped it. OOPS.

Woohoo! The lao ban niang of the event!!~

Happy with our purchases :)

The poster was too cool! These were all my damages ehehehe. No lah actually most of them were free gifts. YAY.

Palliative attachment is starting!~~ Hope I can do this! I NEED TO FREAKING BUCK UP. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME. SHIT SHIT SHIT. I almost failed EBNP. Huhuhu so sad :((((( STOP PLAYING AROUND!!!

A week of Support and Palliative Care lectures

Unfortunately, I only have a week of lectures this term. Sad. I enjoyed lectures the past 4 days, even though I was so tired. Monday was crazy because I went out on Sunday night and was in bed at 2.50am. I lied in bed for an hour, not asleep. I could not sleep and gave up. Watched a movie at 5.30am in the end and prepared to go to school. Hahaha.

Anyway that is not the main thing I wanna share about in this post... The lectures were well-planned, and I enjoyed having people from different palliative care areas coming in to share about their experiences.

As they shared their life experience in relation to palliative care, I could not help but to recall significant incidences with my ex-patients. Ex, because they have moved on to the other side.... I remember telling myself that after advanced diploma, I must be a changed person and be more professional in terms of providing emotional support for my cancer patients.

True enough, I did establish good patient-nurse relationship with some of my patients. I remember that one of my old patient had a relapse and was admitted. We didn't really expect when she was going. I was in-charge of her one very busy day. I remember her asking for her breakthrough morphine because she was breathless. I went into the treatment room to take the medicine. When I got back to her, she had already stopped breathing. I could not help but to break out in tears. I blamed myself for not getting back to her in time to give her her medication. I felt like I was a let down to her, especially when we knew each other too well that she would call me by my name. I was that close to her that I grieved over her in the single room.

Another lady was someone I knew since she was first diagnosed. After treatment, her condition got worse. She had been in and out of the hospital many times. Though my therapeutic patient-nurse relation was not the ideal one, I know I was genuine towards her everytime we talked. I made sure she trusted me well. She was vomiting feacal material out of her mouth and needed to have NGT inserted. No matter how much the doctors or my colleagues talked to her, she strongly refused. When I was with her. All I did was to promise her that I will inserted the NGT well and carefully, and that she would feel better. Eventually I broke the barrier and allowed me to do so.

On another episode, she was admitted to another ward. I went to visit her on my night shift. Little did I know it would be my last time talking to her :( So we chatted until I could not stay any longer as I had to do my work. Even as we said good bye, I told her I will visit her the next morning after my shift. I didn't manage to because I was going to KL for church retreat after my night shift. When I returned, I got a message that her husband was looking for me while I was away. So apparently she lost conscious 2 days after our last conversation. Her husband knew that I was close to her, and hoped that by me calling out to her, she might respond and wake up. This made me think that she was really drawn close to me due to the relationship that I had built with her.

Upon hearing the news that she had a terminal discharge, I went straight to her house. I had to. Who knew, when her husband asked for me, maybe she wanted to see me. I told myself that I didn't want to life with regrets. There she was, lifeless, but still breathing. I saw her family struggling to care for her, so I helped to change her clothes and her pampers with her sister. I looked at her and said a little prayer, hoping that she would wake up. But I know that that would never happen. Soon after, I left and said my last goodbye.

The next day, her sister texted and told me that she had passed away. I attended her funeral. That was my way of coping with her death. At least for now, I want to believe that she is in heaven with the Lord. Through my prayers, I hope the Lord accepted her into the kingdom.

It's strange, isn't it? I want to have a genuine relationship with my patients. I want to walk through the cancer journey with them. Yet at the same time, I know I will get upset when they die. Thankfully I am able to get it over within a few days.

For now, I have thoughts of enrolling into the palliative team, to learn more things. I hope I will have the chance.

Am I supposed to lead this life?

I was just riding home and was thinking that I would need to go to NUH for my school's palliative attachment in 2 weeks' time. I was then reminded of some 8 years ago when I had my very, very first posting in an Oncology ward. When I had just started out my nursing studies, I used to have the perception that Oncology is something "dirty". I don't know where the word came out from haha. The staff nurses in that ward also wore badges that wrote, "Proud to be an Oncology nurse". At that moment, I was thinking how could anyone say that?

Initially wanting to be a paediatric nurse, I signed up to work with the hospital I am in now. However after my paediatric posting, I did not really like to entertain parents and their nonsense. I also grew to love the old through my different attachments. I still remember having my first hospital tour of my current hospital as a student, and I remember saying, "How nice it would be if I could work here." when we walk passed by my current ward. You see, my ward would have a higher rate of elderly in the hospital because cancer occurs more in old people. I don't know if it was God's plan or of it was God's plan. I was posted to that exact same ward for PRCP. I kinda forgot about this thought until days after the results of my posting!

Fast forward, I have graduated with an advanced diploma in Oncology. I have met so many cancer patients and bade my farewells to them. From wanting to be a Nurse Clinician, I now desire to manage a nursing home/hospice in the future.

Volunteering in the hospice really opened up my heart and mind. I did not pay much attention to the hospice until I had my posting there during advanced dip. I thought that what they did was so meaningful.. I felt good when one of their staff shared about their big move to their new building at the end of this year. They way she put it was that many prayers were answered, and thanking God the move would be on schedule etc etc.

I could sense that all they wanted was a place to provide palliative patients a place to rest, rather than wanting to make money. I hope that in the future, I can bring this attitude to my colleagues and subordinates. That we genuinely would want to meet the needs of our patients and deliver care with compassion.

I don't know why but I feel so happy thinking such thoughts. As you know, I'm not the gentle gentle soft spoken kinda person people often stereotype nurses as. But strangely, I have this soft side of me that I often wanna hide from the people I know. Heehee.

I hope that I will be able to share more personal stuff here so that I can look back one day and smile to myself :)

God, what's next? Bring it on!

I hate this feeling :(

I don't really know how much I affect you. But you affected me so badly. I can't help but to think over our conversation that night. I really wanna know how you are feeling right now(well, you posted something so emotional online right after our conversation). At the same time, it seems that you always think that I am in the wrong. Are you entirely correct all the time? Is it wrong to react differently from you in certain situations?

At times like this, I like to do things to distract myself. I want to show to you that I am not affected a little bit at all. But when I stop, that dull feeling keeps coming to me.

I even dreamed of you in my nap. The scenario in the nap was not really that appropriate, as it was the feeling of a couple fighting, and getting back together. Do I love you that much? Argh. Ok, stop thinking about it! I cannot help but to feel so much burden.

I hope all these will be over soon. This is one reason why I don't really want to work with you. I fear that it will destroy our friendship. I just want to be the simple ME, doing superficial stuff, not being responsible over things, with no room for you to comment on me. Yet at the same time, I enjoyed the moments we did well as a team and the time spent with each other...

Talk to me, please.

Brisbane/Gold Coast 2016

Ok, I know I have been back for more than 2 weeks already. Pardon me for the delayed post! Heh heh... This trip has been a "normal" holiday, yet something eye-opening to me. I guess what I enjoyed most was observing how is it like to be a student overseas. If there's one thing I regret in life, it would be NOT applying for uni overseas :( Maybe I can take my masters overseas perhaps?

Freddy's friends are amazing, even though I only spend 2 short days with them :) Love the singing session with them! Hehehe.

I also had the chance to meet up my good old playmate Ying Hui who has been studying there for almost 5 years already!!! That's nothing but COOL! Not forgetting, she has her own car. Hehehe. It's like she's a mini-MO already!

A mandatory shot with the Brisbane sign.

After "boring" Brisbane, we made our way to Gold Coast. Kinda shiok that we stayed really near Surfer's Paradise!!! Love the beach and the sea breeze!!!

This is where we had all our breakfast and dinner~ The most amazing view one could have!! 27th floor with a city and beach view!! I strongly recommend this airbnb place!!

So we went to the usual Movie World, Sea World and Wet n Wild....

Almost everyday, I could not help but to visit the beach.

Beautiful sunset :)

Many people have been commenting that I have been going on multiple holiday trips since I started school. But it's gonna stop here until I go to UK in June! Getting BROKE!!! I hope I won't get exhausted @_@