2016 is worth remembering

Everything that I have dreamed of came true. He came to Singapore, and in December I'm going over. Will be spending Christmas and New Year's over there. I'm excited because for the first time I get to experience a true winter Christmas. Not sure if I'll freeze to death though. Hehehe.

During this year's new year, I remember having a resolution to forget him. And I did it with so much ease. And now, I have someone who genuinely loves me for who I am. He makes me secure of myself, he embraces my looks and my talents and he makes me understand the world better. But the distance is making it 1 million times more difficult that what normal people would experience :( Nevertheless, I'm grateful for all that has happened. Come to think of it, it has been 5 months since we first met! I sincerely hope that we will have many years together. I really do.

I'm not sure what next year or our future will bring. But I want him and myself to be happy. I hope we can achieve that throughout our lives.

At the meantime, I'm hoping to experience some sort of white Christmas! HEEE!

Burning Stronger

I've been back at my ward the past week and it has been a crazy power house so far. To be honest, so many things changed. The management, the practice, the staff and the vibes in the ward. But that did not stop me from loving my patients and treating them with utmost care and concern. I wish there were duplicates of me to care for every single one of them everyday.

I may not be the best nurse in town. But I thought that all you need is to attend to the patient's needs with all your heart. The rest is secondary. Your nursing care is judged based on how you provide care for your patients. And not how well you speak when handing over your patient or successfully ticking all frivolous checklists in the case notes.

In theory, a good leader develops her staff to be good. She does not selfishly aspire herself to be good and make the others look bad. This is my dream. I hope to successfully create this change in the ward. Today, I simply brought a cantonese po po to the toilet and we hit off really well that she was smiling from ear to ear and said goodbye to me as I left the ward. I don't want to be the special nurse. I want everyone to be like that.

I guess this course impacted me in someway. My thinking is challenged. I think the bigger picture rather than just focusing on how to improve on myself. I just hope that I will have the confidence and tenacity in the next few years. I will. Because my precious patients are my support. Looking at them wants me to provide better nursing care for them.

I will make 43 live up to its reputation once again. I will.

A Picture of Your Love

After the rain has fallen
After the clouds have rolled away
The sweetest name remains

I Miss Him

This is how I got myself into shit. We are 10 thousand over kilometers away and I miss him like crazy :( It's so weird that we didn't exactly have much time to spend with each other back then. We have sooooooo many things to know about each other but I just feel connected with him.

From someone strong and independent, I feel so weak in front of him. I miss him so much :(

Hope to see you soon darling.

I'm Coming Home

I'm at the last lap of this UK/Europe trip! I thank God that all that were planned for this trip went as planned. Though, I do have to admit that I had enough of visiting cities, taking glamorous pictures and visiting the must-go places.

I will definitely remember this trip forever because of a special someone. It's funny how some super random person can come into my life and perhaps change my life forever. I remember for the past 10 over years, I always longed for someone who would like me for who I am, and I would be also given the chance to like the person back. Now, I found that person. I feel happier. It's nice to have someone special in your mind and to be in that special someone's mind. I genuinely enjoyed the dates I had with him, getting to know him better. The best part was laughing and just feeling happy together. I wondered to myself, why did I only experience this after my 25 years of existence?

It's so difficult to tell what the future will bring :( If I really go over to the UK, it's like letting go of all my aspirations and career goals (yes, they are so darn important to me). Yet at the same time I want to cherish him like crazy and never let him go if possible.

As for now, I will wait for him to come to Singapore. So far, we have been messaging each other everyday (which is good). Let's see how long we can sustain this. Sigh sigh sigh. 

God, can you make us happen? Please?

My First Kiss

I guess whatever happens in Manchester stays in Manchester. You can call me crazy. Yes. I went out on a date with an Englishman (sort of). I'm not boasting, but he is really crazy about me. He admires me like crazy. Well how do I feel about him? The feeling is "I don't know". I don't like him as much as the guys I used to like. But maybe in a few more dates, I would be able to tell? Then again, I know I can't like him. There isn't any future for us. Sad reality yeah...

We held hands, cuddled and kissed. God. I am so new to this. Never interlaced fingers with anyone before. Never had someone stroking the back of my palms with their fingers before. Never had my lips pressed against someone else's one.

I feel emotional. Why does anyone for the past 26 years of my life not like me like he does? Why do I need to fly all the way to Manchester to know how it is like to be liked? :(

I promise myself to bring back sweet memories. Yes I will.

What have I done?

A simple chat made me end up in a messed up situation :( Nobody said such nice things to be before. Nobody told me that I am beautiful and attractive. Nobody openly confessed that they like me. This is why I give in. People who adore me deserves my respect, attention and love. 

This is where I start to take the wrong step. I know things are not going to work out for us. First, it feels so wrong. So, so wrong. Then distance will give us problems. Cultural and religious differences will also be in the way of a happy relationship.

I'm just playing with my heart and feelings. Gosh. Why did I even end up in this :( At time same time, it's something new that I am experiencing and learning.

I want to leave Manchester with happy memories. Will this be a happy or a heart-wrenching one? :(

累

我累了。我真的真的很累。

在你的眼里，你所说的是对。我是错。我虽然有时会emotional, 可是我能控制自己。为什么你不能想一下我行动的原因呢?

我累了。我真的真的很累。

Having Clousure

Today I was reminded of what to say to have closure to someone who is dying, or leaving me for a long time:

Five Important Things To Say

You have just learned that someone dear to you is dying. It is an awkward time for both of you. Do you talk about death? How? Do you pretend it is not happening?

No one is ever taught in school how to prepare for death or how to deal with a loved one who is dying. What do I say? What do I do to help?

Here are five things that are important for you to say to your loved one. It is important for both of you. Your loved one needs to hear them and, at some point, you will look back and wish you had said them.

So, why not say them now, while you can still communicate with your loved one? Why wait until he or she might not be able to understand or to respond to you?

As a matter of fact, these are five things we should be saying to all our loved ones on a regular basis. There is no need to wait until someone is dying to have these discussions.

THANK YOU. There are probably many things you want to say “thank you” for. Regardless of what they are, hearing the thanks come from people who are important in their lives will give the dying person confidence that s/he has made a difference in people's lives. Knowing that you recognize and appreciate what s/he has done for you will also give him/her assurances that you never will forget them. All of this can be very comforting to the dying person.

I LOVE YOU. If you are truly close to the dying person, this might go without saying. But it can never be said too often.   We all need to be loved and to know that we are loved. This is especially important for the dying person. If he or she knows they are dying, they are probably frightened. When facing the unknown, it is always reassuring to know that we are walking with someone who loves us.   But even more important is the place that love plays in the transition from life to death and then to eternal life. We are told by St. John that “God is love, and s/he who abides in love abides in God and God in them.” If life is a journey to Love, how important it is to know that we have loved and been loved in this life!

I'LL NEVER FORGET. We are told that one of the fears of a dying person is that they will not have made a lasting impact in this life. Tell your loved one that he or she has meant a lot to you; that you would not be the person you are today without them. Spend some time remembering the good things you've done together, the things s/he has done for you, the impact s/he has had on your life. Give him or her assurances that you recognize these things and will be forever grateful to him/her for them. Tell them how you try or will try to pass them on to others in your life.

I'M SORRY. Dying offers a wonderful opportunity for reconciliation. No matter how close you are to someone, no matter how much love you share, there are always times when you do or say things that hurt that person. Some times they are small things; some times not so small.   It is important for your own sake to tell the dying person that you are sorry for the times you have hurt or failed him/her. This might be in the form of a conversation about specific things that have occurred between you, or it might be more general – “I'm sorry for anything that I might have done over the years to hurt you or to damage our relationship.” That will also give the dying person the opportunity to forgive you and for the two of you to be reconciled over anything that you might have done to hurt the relationship.

I FORGIVE YOU. This is the flip side of saying “I'm sorry.” You have the opportunity to forgive the dying person for anything that s/he might have done to hurt you. This is not the time to hold back. Even if you have been hurt greatly, be magnanimous and offer total forgiveness.   This can be a great source of comfort and release for the dying person. It pre-figures the total forgiveness that we all believe and hope will be ours when we come face-to-face with God.

Source: Unknown

A Wonderful Saturday

Weekends are meant to be full of fun and activities!! Once again, we had our yearly support group outing! :D I had so much fun and I am sure the patients had fun too! I think what touched me most was having them to talk to one another, being happy and being themselves. More than just providing medical care, I want to support them, and make them happy by doing what normal people would do! This is the reason why I wanted to join the support group! I hope to bring it to greater heights!

Soon after the event, I rushed off to ION Orchard to support Jamie's event! I had fun and fell into their trap by buying 2 items :X Oh no oh no. I love this photo of them. The light just nice shining on them. So sad I no in :(

Nice photobooth set up!!!

Andrea was the emcee of the event. So how could I not take a photo with her? Darn, I look horrible and fat and short :/ Ok, after yesterday, I am inspired to look good!! Was meant to run today. But slept at 4.30am so I skipped it. OOPS.

Woohoo! The lao ban niang of the event!!~

Happy with our purchases :)

The poster was too cool! These were all my damages ehehehe. No lah actually most of them were free gifts. YAY.

Palliative attachment is starting!~~ Hope I can do this! I NEED TO FREAKING BUCK UP. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME. SHIT SHIT SHIT. I almost failed EBNP. Huhuhu so sad :((((( STOP PLAYING AROUND!!!

A week of Support and Palliative Care lectures

Unfortunately, I only have a week of lectures this term. Sad. I enjoyed lectures the past 4 days, even though I was so tired. Monday was crazy because I went out on Sunday night and was in bed at 2.50am. I lied in bed for an hour, not asleep. I could not sleep and gave up. Watched a movie at 5.30am in the end and prepared to go to school. Hahaha.

Anyway that is not the main thing I wanna share about in this post... The lectures were well-planned, and I enjoyed having people from different palliative care areas coming in to share about their experiences.

As they shared their life experience in relation to palliative care, I could not help but to recall significant incidences with my ex-patients. Ex, because they have moved on to the other side.... I remember telling myself that after advanced diploma, I must be a changed person and be more professional in terms of providing emotional support for my cancer patients.

True enough, I did establish good patient-nurse relationship with some of my patients. I remember that one of my old patient had a relapse and was admitted. We didn't really expect when she was going. I was in-charge of her one very busy day. I remember her asking for her breakthrough morphine because she was breathless. I went into the treatment room to take the medicine. When I got back to her, she had already stopped breathing. I could not help but to break out in tears. I blamed myself for not getting back to her in time to give her her medication. I felt like I was a let down to her, especially when we knew each other too well that she would call me by my name. I was that close to her that I grieved over her in the single room.

Another lady was someone I knew since she was first diagnosed. After treatment, her condition got worse. She had been in and out of the hospital many times. Though my therapeutic patient-nurse relation was not the ideal one, I know I was genuine towards her everytime we talked. I made sure she trusted me well. She was vomiting feacal material out of her mouth and needed to have NGT inserted. No matter how much the doctors or my colleagues talked to her, she strongly refused. When I was with her. All I did was to promise her that I will inserted the NGT well and carefully, and that she would feel better. Eventually I broke the barrier and allowed me to do so.

On another episode, she was admitted to another ward. I went to visit her on my night shift. Little did I know it would be my last time talking to her :( So we chatted until I could not stay any longer as I had to do my work. Even as we said good bye, I told her I will visit her the next morning after my shift. I didn't manage to because I was going to KL for church retreat after my night shift. When I returned, I got a message that her husband was looking for me while I was away. So apparently she lost conscious 2 days after our last conversation. Her husband knew that I was close to her, and hoped that by me calling out to her, she might respond and wake up. This made me think that she was really drawn close to me due to the relationship that I had built with her.

Upon hearing the news that she had a terminal discharge, I went straight to her house. I had to. Who knew, when her husband asked for me, maybe she wanted to see me. I told myself that I didn't want to life with regrets. There she was, lifeless, but still breathing. I saw her family struggling to care for her, so I helped to change her clothes and her pampers with her sister. I looked at her and said a little prayer, hoping that she would wake up. But I know that that would never happen. Soon after, I left and said my last goodbye.

The next day, her sister texted and told me that she had passed away. I attended her funeral. That was my way of coping with her death. At least for now, I want to believe that she is in heaven with the Lord. Through my prayers, I hope the Lord accepted her into the kingdom.

It's strange, isn't it? I want to have a genuine relationship with my patients. I want to walk through the cancer journey with them. Yet at the same time, I know I will get upset when they die. Thankfully I am able to get it over within a few days.

For now, I have thoughts of enrolling into the palliative team, to learn more things. I hope I will have the chance.

Am I supposed to lead this life?

I was just riding home and was thinking that I would need to go to NUH for my school's palliative attachment in 2 weeks' time. I was then reminded of some 8 years ago when I had my very, very first posting in an Oncology ward. When I had just started out my nursing studies, I used to have the perception that Oncology is something "dirty". I don't know where the word came out from haha. The staff nurses in that ward also wore badges that wrote, "Proud to be an Oncology nurse". At that moment, I was thinking how could anyone say that?

Initially wanting to be a paediatric nurse, I signed up to work with the hospital I am in now. However after my paediatric posting, I did not really like to entertain parents and their nonsense. I also grew to love the old through my different attachments. I still remember having my first hospital tour of my current hospital as a student, and I remember saying, "How nice it would be if I could work here." when we walk passed by my current ward. You see, my ward would have a higher rate of elderly in the hospital because cancer occurs more in old people. I don't know if it was God's plan or of it was God's plan. I was posted to that exact same ward for PRCP. I kinda forgot about this thought until days after the results of my posting!

Fast forward, I have graduated with an advanced diploma in Oncology. I have met so many cancer patients and bade my farewells to them. From wanting to be a Nurse Clinician, I now desire to manage a nursing home/hospice in the future.

Volunteering in the hospice really opened up my heart and mind. I did not pay much attention to the hospice until I had my posting there during advanced dip. I thought that what they did was so meaningful.. I felt good when one of their staff shared about their big move to their new building at the end of this year. They way she put it was that many prayers were answered, and thanking God the move would be on schedule etc etc.

I could sense that all they wanted was a place to provide palliative patients a place to rest, rather than wanting to make money. I hope that in the future, I can bring this attitude to my colleagues and subordinates. That we genuinely would want to meet the needs of our patients and deliver care with compassion.

I don't know why but I feel so happy thinking such thoughts. As you know, I'm not the gentle gentle soft spoken kinda person people often stereotype nurses as. But strangely, I have this soft side of me that I often wanna hide from the people I know. Heehee.

I hope that I will be able to share more personal stuff here so that I can look back one day and smile to myself :)

God, what's next? Bring it on!

I hate this feeling :(

I don't really know how much I affect you. But you affected me so badly. I can't help but to think over our conversation that night. I really wanna know how you are feeling right now(well, you posted something so emotional online right after our conversation). At the same time, it seems that you always think that I am in the wrong. Are you entirely correct all the time? Is it wrong to react differently from you in certain situations?

At times like this, I like to do things to distract myself. I want to show to you that I am not affected a little bit at all. But when I stop, that dull feeling keeps coming to me.

I even dreamed of you in my nap. The scenario in the nap was not really that appropriate, as it was the feeling of a couple fighting, and getting back together. Do I love you that much? Argh. Ok, stop thinking about it! I cannot help but to feel so much burden.

I hope all these will be over soon. This is one reason why I don't really want to work with you. I fear that it will destroy our friendship. I just want to be the simple ME, doing superficial stuff, not being responsible over things, with no room for you to comment on me. Yet at the same time, I enjoyed the moments we did well as a team and the time spent with each other...

Talk to me, please.

Brisbane/Gold Coast 2016

Ok, I know I have been back for more than 2 weeks already. Pardon me for the delayed post! Heh heh... This trip has been a "normal" holiday, yet something eye-opening to me. I guess what I enjoyed most was observing how is it like to be a student overseas. If there's one thing I regret in life, it would be NOT applying for uni overseas :( Maybe I can take my masters overseas perhaps?

Freddy's friends are amazing, even though I only spend 2 short days with them :) Love the singing session with them! Hehehe.

I also had the chance to meet up my good old playmate Ying Hui who has been studying there for almost 5 years already!!! That's nothing but COOL! Not forgetting, she has her own car. Hehehe. It's like she's a mini-MO already!

A mandatory shot with the Brisbane sign.

After "boring" Brisbane, we made our way to Gold Coast. Kinda shiok that we stayed really near Surfer's Paradise!!! Love the beach and the sea breeze!!!

This is where we had all our breakfast and dinner~ The most amazing view one could have!! 27th floor with a city and beach view!! I strongly recommend this airbnb place!!

So we went to the usual Movie World, Sea World and Wet n Wild....

Almost everyday, I could not help but to visit the beach.

Beautiful sunset :)

Many people have been commenting that I have been going on multiple holiday trips since I started school. But it's gonna stop here until I go to UK in June! Getting BROKE!!! I hope I won't get exhausted @_@

#ciaandroywed

I had so much fun during Elicia and Roy's wedding and I owe it to all these people!!! :D From morning's gatecrash playing the role of bridesmaids and groomsmen, to the wedding lunch of performing, helping out at AV side, sound, video and reception, we all played out part well!! Really, a fantastic group of people to work with!! Hehehe! Honestly, I would love to go through that day once again :P

Can't wait to see how the offcial photos would turn out. Heehee.


Me in action!! The very first bridesmaid to be the videographer? ;)

My favourite scene in the video!!

Managed to get a pretty shot with Val!!! Muacks!

I guess this is the wedding/event that I had the least number of shots, because I was so busy :( But luckily I got an OOTD shot after the wedding!~ :D This was the inspiration to make my slim down, but I guess I had gain weight when I was in Brisbane. Sigh sigh.

Pretending to be guests at the wedding but half the time we were all not at our tables :P

The cute and pretty cellist. We were performing in the same item AND we happen to wear the same colour! Wheeeee!! Much chemistry indeed!

They have really set the bar so high for wedding programme. But it's ok. MY WEDDING WILL BE BETTER MUAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA *this is meant in a funny and friendly way. I dont mean to be competitive and all that*

Ok next entry should be on my Brisbane/Gold Coast trip!

Pre-holiday thoughts

I'm on my way to Gold Coast on a budget airline so I figured that I better do some reflecting while I am alone with no on-board entertainment hahaha. Recently, there was news that a BBSS senior passed on. I didn't know him at all but I guess he was a biker who died from an RTA.

While riding (along Lornie Road I guess), I did wonder what if I got into an RTA one day. I guess this is something I cannot deny and run away from. And yes I did cheated death a couple of times because of some road bully assholes. But I thank God for His grace and mercy every single time. So... If I die, what are my last words or thoughts???

I think being an oncology nurse exposes me to death and made me rather open to it. I would say that I am really happy with my life right now(kinda). Hehehe. I mean, I've got the best job in the world, even though I keep complaining about it. I draw a reasonable pay. I get recognised as a devoted staff. Even at this point, I achieved my dream of having my university course paid for. I also have regular opportunities to perform or do some gigs. And recently, help in event planning and running. I also have the best group of friends in every aspect of my life. Heh heh. It's too "colorful" until I do say that I feel tired. Even pastor who more or less knows about my life tells me that people are wanting to be in my place. Really meh? Haha.

Ok maybe what's lacking is the love of my life. HAHA. Yesterday, Erick and Ter were so sweet. Saying nice things to me, that I'll make a good partner and all. I was sharing with them, in the past I would feel apprehensive if someone were to introduce someone to me. But now, I guess i am pretty open about it. Maybe it's because I decided to let him go heh. Well in any case, God has planned it all out for me. When I meet you, I guess I will have so much things to share with you :) Oh no, I hope I won't be a perfectionist or something :/

After this holiday and the wedding saga, I would be more free! Hooray! Oh yes! I'm going to start volunteering in Assisi Hospice soon! Will be doing van duties and day care for a start. Hope this experience would be awesome.

Ok, that's all I have to say about my life for now. It's a little short but mind you, I just handed in 5000 words of academic stuff.

God's Love

This song has been on my head recently... It is from a musical, and I do hope that my life would fall in place just like this song...

All through these years I waited patiently to meet him

My heart an open door each day I long to greet him

Now I'm grown, the years had made me wiser

Love is more than wishing on the stars above

God is love, and love's a gift He's planted

In the hearts of those who pledge themselves in love

My prince will come whenever God sets the time

Hearts will then beat as one like verses in rhyme

O Lord, You know me and my place

You plan it all in wondrous ways

Whoever is Your choice for me

You already know his face

Yes, you have seen his face

Elicia's Hens part & HK Trip!

Since I started school, my life had been quite settled down. But recently, I am starting to get busy @_@ Well, that's the life of Maria. Call me crazy, but I am so motivated to blog now when I have my exam in 2 days' time and my essay submission in a week *applause*

Anyway I wanted to blog about my super long weekend. It started with Friday :D Elicia's hens party was a staycation in South Beach Hotel!! Awesome and pretty place to stay! Location was perfect also!!! Both of us met up first to enjoy the facilities while waiting for the rest to knock off from work. Heehee.

When the rest came, we headed to Ikoi Restaurant. It was a little surprise for her! YUMMY! We were quite happy that the bride-to-be was craving for Japanese food!

Since I had Roy's Sony alpha 7 camera, we could stop taking photos!

Soon, we headed back to the hotel and played some drinking games. We were pratically high on Moscato. That was my favourite part of the night!! Hehehhee!

Having our games with drinks and desserts by our side. Best combi everrrrr.

So we stayed up till 3am. Went to sleep at 3.30am @_@ Woke up at 6.30am to catch my flight to Hong Kong! Woohoo!!! Hmmm, I shall allow the pictures to do the talking :)

Since Kenni is working there, he brought us around to eat really awesome food. OMG!!! The char siew there is the best I have ever tasted! Though, I don't have any photos of it heehee. Settled in a cafe in Central.

Me & Ter at Central Harbour. Lovely sun. But it was too hot to be cold :(

The boys looking to tall and cool!!

This is where our photoshoot series started. At Causeway Bay, Times Square :) Hong Kong is a place that never sleeps! The streets are always so bright! And cafes never close. I was walking around with Ter at 2am and the streets are still so crowded!

And since Judy was in HK as well, we could not help but to meet her for supper!! Hehehe (^_^)v

What's going to HK without taking a photo in their MTR station? Heehe.

Our last night was spend in Victoria Harbour. Our holiday ended too soon :(

This shot was taken with the Minolta lens. LOVE IT! Please ignore my tummy hehehe.

Our last dessert. Look at my happy smile when I sit in between these 2 lovely boys! Oh man, I miss Kenni's "If you eat this..." jokes :'(

This group photo sums up our trip!!

 Oh my. I had a good time. So, I BETTER BUCK UP ON MY WORK NOW! Okthanksbye.

Open the eyes of my heart Lord, I want to see You...

2016- A New Beginning

As the clock struck 12 on New Year's Eve, disappointment came upon me. Earlier this year, I had this strong sense of feeling that our relationship would go to a certain level. God even placed me in situations or used people to speak to me, that in 2015, something magical, all I've wanted these years will happen. Then again, I can probably think that all these is just a figment of my imagination.

I even laughed to myself, how ironic, that I spent the last few hours of 2015 near your house. All you could say to me that you were "not free". I was yearning to receive a New Year's message from you even. The last time we met, you didn't even bother to update me about your life, or even just sit by me, hoping that we could enjoy each other's company. I had it. I had enough of pursuing you.

In 2016, I decided to be stronger. I will no longer give in, or be swayed by your attitude or actions. No "episodes" of us will make me feel that there is still hope. It's time for me to move on. Seriously, I should really invest my time in people who will really love me genuinely. I hope to stop having you inside my dreams.

I must be strong. My life can still be awesome without you.

God.... Help me. I'm confused. Upset. Heartbroken... :(